by Mr. Blunderson
This is the first movie that made me envy the dead, in that they didn't have to watch this horrible movie. And that's all I'm saying about that. Please don't bother, this movie is complete and total suck.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Review - Twilight
by Mr. Blunderson
Are you kidding me??? Seriously? People like this dreck?
I apologize. If you like this movie I'll try not to insult you but come on! This is not a good movie. It's a horrible vampire movie and it didn't even feel like it rose to the level of mediocre teen romance as far as I'm concerned.
I think it's hysterical that the last review I posted was for a far superior teen vampire movie although that movie is certainly not for kids or anyone without a little patience I'll admit.
Baseball?? Seriously? Muse??? Really?
Instead of picking it apart, I'm just going to say that the story was predictable and the acting was bad and the action was lame and the last five minutes of this film needed the actual apology from Bella to her father. It wouldn't have saved the movie but it would have been a good start.
Twilight did inspire an all new rating on the Mr. Blunderson Scale. The dredded "Blech."
Are you kidding me??? Seriously? People like this dreck?
I apologize. If you like this movie I'll try not to insult you but come on! This is not a good movie. It's a horrible vampire movie and it didn't even feel like it rose to the level of mediocre teen romance as far as I'm concerned.
I think it's hysterical that the last review I posted was for a far superior teen vampire movie although that movie is certainly not for kids or anyone without a little patience I'll admit.
Baseball?? Seriously? Muse??? Really?
Instead of picking it apart, I'm just going to say that the story was predictable and the acting was bad and the action was lame and the last five minutes of this film needed the actual apology from Bella to her father. It wouldn't have saved the movie but it would have been a good start.
Twilight did inspire an all new rating on the Mr. Blunderson Scale. The dredded "Blech."
Monday, May 18, 2009
Review - Let The Right One In
by Mr Blunderson
Vampire movies have started to really suck. Yes I'm sorry but it's true. Vampires have a long and rich history in cinema and it pains me to see one of the classic movie monsters reduced to sensitive sparkly angst ridden teenagers. There has been a great deal of web chatter regarding a little sweedish vampire movie, so when I saw it on the rental shelf I didn't hesitate even a little bit.
Let the right one in is a movie that takes it's time unfolding it's tale about a lonely boy, bullied by classmates, befriended by a lonely vampire. It's pacing is very slow and might not appeal to the whiz-bang masses but at it's core is a very excellent story and characters with a great deal of depth.
I enjoyed nearly everything about this movie. The performances were solid, the music was great, and the respect for vampire lore makes it that much better. Sometimes for a movie like this to feel new and interesting it helps to embrace it's roots.
Let the right one in is creepy, brutal, disturbing, deliberate as hell, and one of the best vampire movies made in a very long time which is why I rate it an Oh Hells Yes on the Mr. Blunderson scale. And if you don't like it, you suck.
Vampire movies have started to really suck. Yes I'm sorry but it's true. Vampires have a long and rich history in cinema and it pains me to see one of the classic movie monsters reduced to sensitive sparkly angst ridden teenagers. There has been a great deal of web chatter regarding a little sweedish vampire movie, so when I saw it on the rental shelf I didn't hesitate even a little bit.
Let the right one in is a movie that takes it's time unfolding it's tale about a lonely boy, bullied by classmates, befriended by a lonely vampire. It's pacing is very slow and might not appeal to the whiz-bang masses but at it's core is a very excellent story and characters with a great deal of depth.
I enjoyed nearly everything about this movie. The performances were solid, the music was great, and the respect for vampire lore makes it that much better. Sometimes for a movie like this to feel new and interesting it helps to embrace it's roots.
Let the right one in is creepy, brutal, disturbing, deliberate as hell, and one of the best vampire movies made in a very long time which is why I rate it an Oh Hells Yes on the Mr. Blunderson scale. And if you don't like it, you suck.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Review - Choke
by Mr. Blunderson
From where I sit, if there was an element missing from the novel that served as the basis for this film, an early effort by Mr. Chuck Palahniuk, it would be heart. Of course, in the book, it doesn't really have a place for it. Maybe the book has heart and I missed it. Perhaps it is there but it is just a really, really dark heart.
And then comes the question of the adaptation. Writer/Director Clark Gregg takes a departure from the book in many ways but manages to keep enough of the original voice that the end result feels like a great success. According to the extra features, this direction was not only supported by the original author, but highly encouraged. I can't help but think that Palahniuk lucked out when the material fell into the hands of someone who was able to avoid the trappings of so many adaptations (changing the characters names, core relationships, etc).
Choke as a film is an example of a guy who obviously GOT the novel. He understood it. He took the time (years and years) to get the script right, and managed to put enough but not too much of his own voice in.
And it works.
It's beautiful, it's dark and dirty as hell, and the end reult is a fine little movie.
I know there are people who love this book and will be turned off by the fact that the film is not as deeply satirical and dark as the source, but there is a fine line between a too-faithful adaptation and a completely off the rails clusterfuck that Gregg is able to walk long enough to make a believer out of this jaded SOB (that is indeed me I am referring to).
The cast is phenomenal. Sam Rockwell once again demonstrates his superlative and subtle talents that convince me that no one else in this world could have been Victor Mancini. Anjelica Huston brings Victors mother to life in a way that to me felt so much more multi-dimensional than the character in the book (whom I despised, not that it matters). But the best part of this cast for me was Denny, played by Brad William Henke, a character who manages to serve as a moral compass in a film that seems to have no morals at all.
My favorite character by far though was Lord High Charlie, played by Gregg himself. Mostly because the name Lord High Charlie still cracks me up, but also because I think I work with the true life retail equivalent of this guy. Seriously.
After all this you wonder what the hell this movie is about? Well...
Victor (Rockwell) is a med school drop out and, colonial reenactor AND sex addict who scams unsuspecting diners in restaurants in order to pay the bills for his mothers care in a nuthouse. And from there, the story gets a little weird. It's irreverent, it's disturbing, but when the credits rolled the only thing I wanted to do was watch it again. So I did.
Choke gets a resounding Oh hells yes on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
From where I sit, if there was an element missing from the novel that served as the basis for this film, an early effort by Mr. Chuck Palahniuk, it would be heart. Of course, in the book, it doesn't really have a place for it. Maybe the book has heart and I missed it. Perhaps it is there but it is just a really, really dark heart.
And then comes the question of the adaptation. Writer/Director Clark Gregg takes a departure from the book in many ways but manages to keep enough of the original voice that the end result feels like a great success. According to the extra features, this direction was not only supported by the original author, but highly encouraged. I can't help but think that Palahniuk lucked out when the material fell into the hands of someone who was able to avoid the trappings of so many adaptations (changing the characters names, core relationships, etc).
Choke as a film is an example of a guy who obviously GOT the novel. He understood it. He took the time (years and years) to get the script right, and managed to put enough but not too much of his own voice in.
And it works.
It's beautiful, it's dark and dirty as hell, and the end reult is a fine little movie.
I know there are people who love this book and will be turned off by the fact that the film is not as deeply satirical and dark as the source, but there is a fine line between a too-faithful adaptation and a completely off the rails clusterfuck that Gregg is able to walk long enough to make a believer out of this jaded SOB (that is indeed me I am referring to).
The cast is phenomenal. Sam Rockwell once again demonstrates his superlative and subtle talents that convince me that no one else in this world could have been Victor Mancini. Anjelica Huston brings Victors mother to life in a way that to me felt so much more multi-dimensional than the character in the book (whom I despised, not that it matters). But the best part of this cast for me was Denny, played by Brad William Henke, a character who manages to serve as a moral compass in a film that seems to have no morals at all.
My favorite character by far though was Lord High Charlie, played by Gregg himself. Mostly because the name Lord High Charlie still cracks me up, but also because I think I work with the true life retail equivalent of this guy. Seriously.
After all this you wonder what the hell this movie is about? Well...
Victor (Rockwell) is a med school drop out and, colonial reenactor AND sex addict who scams unsuspecting diners in restaurants in order to pay the bills for his mothers care in a nuthouse. And from there, the story gets a little weird. It's irreverent, it's disturbing, but when the credits rolled the only thing I wanted to do was watch it again. So I did.
Choke gets a resounding Oh hells yes on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
9 woes
By Mr. Blunderson
If you haven't seen 9, the brilliant 2005 short film by Shane Acker, then you should get to it before the full length theatrical version comes out. Why? Because the studio version is going to su-huck. Of course, here I am bitching about a movie I haven't even seen yet, but judging from the trailers and clips it looks like the typical soulless CGI that we have all come to expect from most non Pixar (and sometimes Dreamworks) animated films.. The textures are too crisp and the surfaces too smooth... but that's not the real problem for me.
What makes the original short so amazing is that 9 is a testament to the power of story telling in a medium with images and limited sound. The short features absolutely no dialogue and doesn't need it.
Of course the studio version features an all-star cast. It appears to be yet another instance of Hollywood understanding that they have acquired an amazing property but not actually understanding what made it that way. Or perhaps they are simply not trusting an audience to get it. Either way it's bad for us, because the result is a crappy movie.
Studio films like this are not a victimless crime. They destroy the vision and voice of creativity, originality, and contribute to the dumbing down of the film audiences. Why are words like "intelligent" "different" and "coherent plot" a bad thing? How did we get to this point?
Of course I could be wrong. 9 might end up being the best film ever made. The good news there is that even if that is the case, it won't make me look like a bigger jackass. Only because at this point it may not be possible.
If you haven't seen 9, the brilliant 2005 short film by Shane Acker, then you should get to it before the full length theatrical version comes out. Why? Because the studio version is going to su-huck. Of course, here I am bitching about a movie I haven't even seen yet, but judging from the trailers and clips it looks like the typical soulless CGI that we have all come to expect from most non Pixar (and sometimes Dreamworks) animated films.. The textures are too crisp and the surfaces too smooth... but that's not the real problem for me.
What makes the original short so amazing is that 9 is a testament to the power of story telling in a medium with images and limited sound. The short features absolutely no dialogue and doesn't need it.
Of course the studio version features an all-star cast. It appears to be yet another instance of Hollywood understanding that they have acquired an amazing property but not actually understanding what made it that way. Or perhaps they are simply not trusting an audience to get it. Either way it's bad for us, because the result is a crappy movie.
Studio films like this are not a victimless crime. They destroy the vision and voice of creativity, originality, and contribute to the dumbing down of the film audiences. Why are words like "intelligent" "different" and "coherent plot" a bad thing? How did we get to this point?
Of course I could be wrong. 9 might end up being the best film ever made. The good news there is that even if that is the case, it won't make me look like a bigger jackass. Only because at this point it may not be possible.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Word From Big C Vol. 34
Bolt
I watched this movie on a whim and to tell the truth, the fact that Miley Cyrus is in this movie (and for those who don't know me I hate her with a passion) didn't make me hate it, but then again I am a big fan of John Travolta and have not seen anything with him that I did not like. Also Mark Walton as the AWESOME Rhino stole the show. Great family picture.
I watched this movie on a whim and to tell the truth, the fact that Miley Cyrus is in this movie (and for those who don't know me I hate her with a passion) didn't make me hate it, but then again I am a big fan of John Travolta and have not seen anything with him that I did not like. Also Mark Walton as the AWESOME Rhino stole the show. Great family picture.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Mr. Blunderson's DVD pick of the week
This was one of those weeks I needed a lift from my DVD collection. Between a bad back, mild depression, and getting blasted out of my car because when I started it I forgot the last time I was driving I was listening to "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" and had left the volume turned up to 11... luckily, my little black tower of magic discs had just the answer: Balls of Fury.
Dan Folger is hilarious, and screw you if you don't think so. After watching this movie for the first time since I reviewed it I am convinced that Mr. Fogler makes the BEST "I've just been hit/kicked/other in the balls" faces. Not only are they hysterical they are brutally convinving.
The Good - Besides Fogler? Christopher Walken as the villain. Cameos from Patton Oswalt, david Koechner, Diedrich Dader, not to mention Robert Patrick reprising his degenerate gambler schtick from the Sopranos. Maggie Q, James Hong, and George Lopez give solid supporting efforts. And lets not forget all those Kung Fu in jokes.
The Bad - In a time where the R-rated comedy has been given a second chance at life one has to wonder how this film would have fared if they'd gone balls to the wall... so to speak. Not that this film isn't plenty crude. It' just makes me wonder what could have been.
The Last Word - I've almost watched this movie about a hundred times since it arrived in my collection. Now that I finally got waround to it, I'm sorry I waited this long to watch it again.
Dan Folger is hilarious, and screw you if you don't think so. After watching this movie for the first time since I reviewed it I am convinced that Mr. Fogler makes the BEST "I've just been hit/kicked/other in the balls" faces. Not only are they hysterical they are brutally convinving.
The Good - Besides Fogler? Christopher Walken as the villain. Cameos from Patton Oswalt, david Koechner, Diedrich Dader, not to mention Robert Patrick reprising his degenerate gambler schtick from the Sopranos. Maggie Q, James Hong, and George Lopez give solid supporting efforts. And lets not forget all those Kung Fu in jokes.
The Bad - In a time where the R-rated comedy has been given a second chance at life one has to wonder how this film would have fared if they'd gone balls to the wall... so to speak. Not that this film isn't plenty crude. It' just makes me wonder what could have been.
The Last Word - I've almost watched this movie about a hundred times since it arrived in my collection. Now that I finally got waround to it, I'm sorry I waited this long to watch it again.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Public Service Announcement
from Mr Blunderson (the agoraphobic film guy)
Remember boys and girls, Watchmen sucks. Any money you might spend on this film use to buy a shit-load of candy. You can brush your teeth but you can't do anything to keep this piece of trash from rotting your brain once you've seen it.
Remember boys and girls, Watchmen sucks. Any money you might spend on this film use to buy a shit-load of candy. You can brush your teeth but you can't do anything to keep this piece of trash from rotting your brain once you've seen it.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Word From Big C Vol. 33
Surfs Up
This is a great movie, I mean Penguins surfing on some secluded beach somewhere it does not get much better than that. Not to mention the whacked out surfing chicken. Good for a look-C.
Pirates of The Caribbean: At Worlds End
I have heard from some people that this movie is just a long winded boat ride with a little bit of action. After watching this movie I have decided that they were wrong, this movie is very exciting and visually stimulating and I thought the story was solid and fun.
Meet The Robinsons
This movie is fun for the family goodness for a more in depth review check out Noodles Blunderson's review of this movie. Good for a look-C
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
As a fan of this series and time frame I have to say that this feature is very engaging and draws you into the story and the characters are solid. The fight sequences are sweet and the mythical creatures are very thrilling to watch in this picture.
Twilight
I have my problems with all the hype on this book and movie. I have to say that I did enjoy this movie a lot more then I though I would. I gotta say that the "artistic licence" that they took with the vampire lour was annoying and should have done a better job with such things. Also the bonus features are sub par and I don't need to see that gargoyle of a director Catherine Hardwicke before every GOD DAMN lame features and shit that are the bonus features.
This is a great movie, I mean Penguins surfing on some secluded beach somewhere it does not get much better than that. Not to mention the whacked out surfing chicken. Good for a look-C.
Pirates of The Caribbean: At Worlds End
I have heard from some people that this movie is just a long winded boat ride with a little bit of action. After watching this movie I have decided that they were wrong, this movie is very exciting and visually stimulating and I thought the story was solid and fun.
Meet The Robinsons
This movie is fun for the family goodness for a more in depth review check out Noodles Blunderson's review of this movie. Good for a look-C
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
As a fan of this series and time frame I have to say that this feature is very engaging and draws you into the story and the characters are solid. The fight sequences are sweet and the mythical creatures are very thrilling to watch in this picture.
Twilight
I have my problems with all the hype on this book and movie. I have to say that I did enjoy this movie a lot more then I though I would. I gotta say that the "artistic licence" that they took with the vampire lour was annoying and should have done a better job with such things. Also the bonus features are sub par and I don't need to see that gargoyle of a director Catherine Hardwicke before every GOD DAMN lame features and shit that are the bonus features.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Catching Up
by Mr. Blunderson
I'm going to rock these Big C style so hold onto your butts. All of these are films that have come and gone but I gotta say something.
Coraline
Best 3D movie I've seen since the in your face renaissance began. Every 3D flick I've seen since and including Meet the Robinsons feels like a gimmick compared to what goes on visually here. Is it irony that this film kicks so much hi-tech arse when at it's core this a lo-tech stop-motion masterpiece? Perhaps, folks. Perhaps.
Story follows a girl with busy parents who move into a apartment building filled with bizarre and eclectic type folks. Former vaudeville stars who really love their scotty dogs, a dude training mice... you get the idea. Coraline finds a portal to another world where the goofy neighbors are cool and her parents seemingly live for her, but since this is based on a Niel Gaiman you know all is not what it seems.
Sure this looks a little like Nightmare before Christmas since this was directed by Henry Selick (who also directed that cross-holiday staple) but this movie is fun and scary, yet manages to be kid friendly. It also looks amazing. This is a 3D film that really felt like it had to be seen in 3D to be truly appreciated. I'm going to give Coraline an Oh hells yes and say thanks for making a film with flying scotty dogs - a realization of one of my deepest fears.
Zack & Miri Make a Porno
Kevin Smith... I love this guy. He can do no wrong here with a solid cast and an excellent script. I just want to say a big F You to anyone who saw this and said "Smith just wanted to make a Judd Apatow movie." If that's really how you feel then you obviously haven't seen a Kevin Smith movie and you are probably too busy jerking off to Watchmen to notice I just dissed you.
It breaks my heart to know this film didn't get the recognition it deserved at the box-office. All I can say is get over yourself. See the DVD, get a dutch rudder, and witness the genius that is Kevin Smith. To say I give this film an Oh Hells Yes would be an understatement.
Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist
If you don't like Michael Cera, then I don't know if you can stomach this movie. But if you don't like Kat Dennings then there is something wrong with you. Yes I said it. She rocks this movie up and down, then sideways, then three or four other directions that probably exist but have yet to be identified by science.
When the credits rolled I knew I had watched a movie that I had enjoyed. Viewing it was a pleasant experience, I won't lie. It didn't knock me over as a soon to be classic, but I felt good all over so that has to be a plus, right? The plot isn't the most original SPOILER ALERT (boy who just got his heart ripped out meets girl, boy likes girl a lot, boy pretty much blows it with girl, boy gets his shit together and gets girl back) but this is one of those cases where you don't care. I would watch these characters all day long if I could even if all they were doing was watching TV and doing laundry.
BUT, I know this movie isn't for everyone. I'm a sap at heart and I love movies where the characters are more important than what they do. In the midst of the R-rated grown-up comedy revolution (which I support completely, don't get me wrong) it's nice to see a movie that is a little more low-key. It's sweet and funny and ever so quotable, so I'm going to give this movie a your loss if you hate it on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
I'm going to rock these Big C style so hold onto your butts. All of these are films that have come and gone but I gotta say something.
Coraline
Best 3D movie I've seen since the in your face renaissance began. Every 3D flick I've seen since and including Meet the Robinsons feels like a gimmick compared to what goes on visually here. Is it irony that this film kicks so much hi-tech arse when at it's core this a lo-tech stop-motion masterpiece? Perhaps, folks. Perhaps.
Story follows a girl with busy parents who move into a apartment building filled with bizarre and eclectic type folks. Former vaudeville stars who really love their scotty dogs, a dude training mice... you get the idea. Coraline finds a portal to another world where the goofy neighbors are cool and her parents seemingly live for her, but since this is based on a Niel Gaiman you know all is not what it seems.
Sure this looks a little like Nightmare before Christmas since this was directed by Henry Selick (who also directed that cross-holiday staple) but this movie is fun and scary, yet manages to be kid friendly. It also looks amazing. This is a 3D film that really felt like it had to be seen in 3D to be truly appreciated. I'm going to give Coraline an Oh hells yes and say thanks for making a film with flying scotty dogs - a realization of one of my deepest fears.
Zack & Miri Make a Porno
Kevin Smith... I love this guy. He can do no wrong here with a solid cast and an excellent script. I just want to say a big F You to anyone who saw this and said "Smith just wanted to make a Judd Apatow movie." If that's really how you feel then you obviously haven't seen a Kevin Smith movie and you are probably too busy jerking off to Watchmen to notice I just dissed you.
It breaks my heart to know this film didn't get the recognition it deserved at the box-office. All I can say is get over yourself. See the DVD, get a dutch rudder, and witness the genius that is Kevin Smith. To say I give this film an Oh Hells Yes would be an understatement.
Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist
If you don't like Michael Cera, then I don't know if you can stomach this movie. But if you don't like Kat Dennings then there is something wrong with you. Yes I said it. She rocks this movie up and down, then sideways, then three or four other directions that probably exist but have yet to be identified by science.
When the credits rolled I knew I had watched a movie that I had enjoyed. Viewing it was a pleasant experience, I won't lie. It didn't knock me over as a soon to be classic, but I felt good all over so that has to be a plus, right? The plot isn't the most original SPOILER ALERT (boy who just got his heart ripped out meets girl, boy likes girl a lot, boy pretty much blows it with girl, boy gets his shit together and gets girl back) but this is one of those cases where you don't care. I would watch these characters all day long if I could even if all they were doing was watching TV and doing laundry.
BUT, I know this movie isn't for everyone. I'm a sap at heart and I love movies where the characters are more important than what they do. In the midst of the R-rated grown-up comedy revolution (which I support completely, don't get me wrong) it's nice to see a movie that is a little more low-key. It's sweet and funny and ever so quotable, so I'm going to give this movie a your loss if you hate it on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Word from Big C Vol. 32
Sex Drive
This movie is good for a laugh I suggest that you take a look at this movie.
Still Waiting
Not worth your money unlike the first installment of Waiting.
This movie is good for a laugh I suggest that you take a look at this movie.
Still Waiting
Not worth your money unlike the first installment of Waiting.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Open Letter To David Hayter
Note from the editor - to be fair, before I read the open letter from Mr. Hayter, I only disliked Watchmen. Now I hate it. I think his letter is the worst kind of self-promoting masturbation. Anyone who has to tell us that the depth of their film can only be truly appreciated after multiple viewings is complete and utter poon cheese. If his movie was so damn great I'd be watching it again right now with my fellow sheep, as opposed to sitting at home with a heating pad on my aching back (a condition I can not blame on Watchmen sadly). But since we're not, Fuck him and fuck his movie. You want me to see a movie in the theater multiple times? Make movie that doesn't suck Dr. Manhattan's blue balls.
Dear Mr. Hayter,
I just read your "open letter" and I saw your movie. It was a waste of time and money. It was obvious to me that the people who made the film (and by that I mean the director and screenwriters, etc.) really liked the source material, obviously you knew it was really, really cool, but none of you seemed to actually get it.
Your movie isn't bleak, it isn't profound, and it isn't even good. If it wasn't for Jackie Earle Haley--and I will be the first to shout it from the top of every mountain on earth that he owned this movie--I would right now be hunting each of you down to personally get a refund of my time and money because as I said before, the Watchmen film was a waste of both.
Also I am agoraphobic, so chances of me leaving the house are next to none so sleep easy.
I left the fucking house for your movie and I could have gotten more enjoyment out of shoving the graphic novel up my ass... something I still might do since I've had a bit to drink tonight and I have some time on my hands.
And kudos for having only a snail-mail address to your representation on your official website so I can't send you an incendiary email. Like I'm gonna waste a stamp on your sorry ass.
I appreciate that you came up with an ending that "works" but apart from that the script comes across as a cut and paste job which makes me wonder why you deserve a screenwriting credit at all.
In your letter you say that your movie has balls, but if it really did you would have put the squid on the screen. That would have been ballsy.
Thanks for nothing, if I ever meet you in real life I'll introduce you to whoever I'm with (although since I am the agoraphobic film critic this will obviously only happen if you visit me at home) as the guy who owes me five-fifty.
Thank god I saw Watchmen as a matinee. Fuck you for making me wish I'd spent that money on Paul Blart.
best wishes and sincerely yours,
Mr. N Blunderson
Dear Mr. Hayter,
I just read your "open letter" and I saw your movie. It was a waste of time and money. It was obvious to me that the people who made the film (and by that I mean the director and screenwriters, etc.) really liked the source material, obviously you knew it was really, really cool, but none of you seemed to actually get it.
Your movie isn't bleak, it isn't profound, and it isn't even good. If it wasn't for Jackie Earle Haley--and I will be the first to shout it from the top of every mountain on earth that he owned this movie--I would right now be hunting each of you down to personally get a refund of my time and money because as I said before, the Watchmen film was a waste of both.
Also I am agoraphobic, so chances of me leaving the house are next to none so sleep easy.
I left the fucking house for your movie and I could have gotten more enjoyment out of shoving the graphic novel up my ass... something I still might do since I've had a bit to drink tonight and I have some time on my hands.
And kudos for having only a snail-mail address to your representation on your official website so I can't send you an incendiary email. Like I'm gonna waste a stamp on your sorry ass.
I appreciate that you came up with an ending that "works" but apart from that the script comes across as a cut and paste job which makes me wonder why you deserve a screenwriting credit at all.
In your letter you say that your movie has balls, but if it really did you would have put the squid on the screen. That would have been ballsy.
Thanks for nothing, if I ever meet you in real life I'll introduce you to whoever I'm with (although since I am the agoraphobic film critic this will obviously only happen if you visit me at home) as the guy who owes me five-fifty.
Thank god I saw Watchmen as a matinee. Fuck you for making me wish I'd spent that money on Paul Blart.
best wishes and sincerely yours,
Mr. N Blunderson
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Word From Big C. Vol. 31
Death Race (2008) a.k.a. Death Race 3000
I saw the movie this one was based on (Death Race 2000) and this one doesn't compare, for one no scoring system and the "death race" is confined to an island and not across the country putting Innocent lives in jeopardy and last but not least "Machine Gun Joe" isn't Sylvester Stallone and "Frankenstein" wasn't David Carradine. Having said that this movie was full of some sweet action and plenty of violence, blood and death. Classic Jason Statham when he is not in the sweet Ford Mustang, even Tyrese Gibson was enjoyable as Machine Gun Joe. The few times you see females in this movie are nice but not much else so don't see this movie if you want to see hot ladies but if you want to see some sweet stunt driving and senseless violence this is the movie for you.
I saw the movie this one was based on (Death Race 2000) and this one doesn't compare, for one no scoring system and the "death race" is confined to an island and not across the country putting Innocent lives in jeopardy and last but not least "Machine Gun Joe" isn't Sylvester Stallone and "Frankenstein" wasn't David Carradine. Having said that this movie was full of some sweet action and plenty of violence, blood and death. Classic Jason Statham when he is not in the sweet Ford Mustang, even Tyrese Gibson was enjoyable as Machine Gun Joe. The few times you see females in this movie are nice but not much else so don't see this movie if you want to see hot ladies but if you want to see some sweet stunt driving and senseless violence this is the movie for you.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Super Bowl 09
by Mr. Blunderson
I'm not going to pretend for a second that anyone is interested in the old cliche that the adds are the best part of the Super Bowl. Why? Well, because... duh... unless you care about football then that's the only reason you're watching the Super Bowl. Why would I even bring that up here? Because as my good friend Hero Stew pointed out on his blog before it traveled to an alternate universe, today is the day when studios start plugging the living crap out of their big spring and summer releases.
Remember back in the day? You know, right before George Lucas not only ruined his legacy but threw it on the ground and took a Jar-Jar-sized poop on it? I'm talking about a quiet Sunday back in 1999 when millions of unsuspecting viewers were bitch-slapped with their first look at a bizarre and mind-blowing commercial for an action movie with that guy that said "Dude!" a lot. This wasn't the first time a studio had been able to capture the imagination of the masses with an awesome commercial, but this is the one I remember best.
But the past is quickly fading into a haze of beer and chicken wings, so I'll get to the point here. Movies and the Super Bowl today. Studios pay big bucks to get our attention despite the fact that we live in the age of media bombardment--oh who am I kidding, it's more of a media enema since some of the movies advertised today have already been shoved up our asses by TV, the internet and those cool little previews they show before movies in the theater but after the coke commercials...
And here are my thoughts on what we saw...
Angels & Demons
Based on the book that came before the Da Vinci Code, all I can gather from this spot is that Tom Hanks has ditched the euro-mullet and--more importantly--Ron Howard doesn't seem to be interested in making movies I care to see anymore.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Can we just call this movie I can't believe I'm going to shell out 20 bucks for a movie by that ass-clown Michael Bay AGAIN because I love my son and he will desperately want to see it. Looks like more of the same to me, but since Mr. Bay is always out to top himself this will indeed be the worst movie he's ever made...
until he makes another one.
A bunch of stuff will get blown up, planes will land in the sunset, and the editing will throw me into a seizure.
Land of the Lost
If Will Farrell was here right now I'd kiss him on the mouth. Even his misfires are 10 times as awesome as most movies. What I like about this spot is that my kids will dig it (like Kicking and Screaming - yes, sue me) and ease the pain of having to wait until they are old enough to enjoy his masterpieces.
Oh yeah, and Matt Lauer can EAT IT!
Up!
I love Pixar but they definitely fall into the category of titles that have been shoved up my ass. But since Disney markets their films that way and it can't be helped, and more importantly since Pixar has't let me down yet, Up! is going to get a huge pass. It looks to be yet another foray into unconventional storytelling. I can't wait to see Pixar do 3D, since they do everything else so damn well.
G.I. Joe
Knowing this movie will suck ass is half the battle.
Fast and the Furious X (I think it's only IV but it feels like X)
This one at least unites the original players Paul walker and Vin Diesel in an effort to recapture the magic of the first film in the franchise. That film was loud, fast, and really really dumb but god help me I loved it. I won't see this one until it is on DVD but compared to G.I. Joe this is going to look like Fellini.
The Year One
I have not laughed this hard in a while. Jack Black and Michael Cera in biblical times... If you've seen the clip with Cain and Able online then you know the tone of this movie... and that it will be hilarious. I have to admit I might be most impressed with this spot because it didn't contain 8,000 quick cuts.
Monsters Vs Aliens
Dreamworks is really hit and miss as far as I'm concerned when it comes to their animated fare. Shrek and Shrek 2 were good, Kung Fu panda was awesome. Shrek 3 was crap and Madagascar made me wish the butter that was on my popcorn would kill me before the movie was over and I didn't even bother seeing Shark Tale cause I just didn't care. Monsters Vs Aliens has been crammed so far up my butt that the only thing that's farther up there is Will Smith, but unless the world ends before this film is released I'm going to see it. And thanks to Big C and Hero Stew for the 3D glasses.
Star Trek
I saved this one for last. Good hell, I'm tempted to track down this spot on the internet to find out what the hell I supposedly saw but I worry I can't afford to lose anymore brain cells. I get that this movie is being marketed as big and exciting but I would rather see less cool stuff being blasted at my eyes and ears in a 30 second TV spot. I just hope that JJ Abrams made a Star Trek movie, but so far I still can't tell. I don't mind him bringing his own flare and perspective to the table, but I'd hate to see this movie alienate a fanbase that has already had to weather the last two movies.
I was really hoping we'd get something more out of this particular spot but that is what I get for hoping.
Right?
Well that's all I saw folks, if I missed anything feel free to let me know. Overall I'd say the spots were pretty average. The only film that I truly feel compelled to see based on a Super Bowl add is The Year One. Monsters vs Aliens was fun and my kids dug the 3D gimmick but the add one this day didn't actually have anything to do with whether or not I will see this movie. Up! added about 5 new seconds to stuff we've all seen before so thanks for that Disney, but again this is a movie I was going to see anyway.
As for the rest... maybe I'm getting old or perhaps I've simply had it with the way movies are being made and marketed these days. Last year I went to the theater less than ever and I didn't miss much. From my vantage point based on these previews it looks like this year will offer much, much more of the same.
Only possibly worse.
I'm not going to pretend for a second that anyone is interested in the old cliche that the adds are the best part of the Super Bowl. Why? Well, because... duh... unless you care about football then that's the only reason you're watching the Super Bowl. Why would I even bring that up here? Because as my good friend Hero Stew pointed out on his blog before it traveled to an alternate universe, today is the day when studios start plugging the living crap out of their big spring and summer releases.
Remember back in the day? You know, right before George Lucas not only ruined his legacy but threw it on the ground and took a Jar-Jar-sized poop on it? I'm talking about a quiet Sunday back in 1999 when millions of unsuspecting viewers were bitch-slapped with their first look at a bizarre and mind-blowing commercial for an action movie with that guy that said "Dude!" a lot. This wasn't the first time a studio had been able to capture the imagination of the masses with an awesome commercial, but this is the one I remember best.
But the past is quickly fading into a haze of beer and chicken wings, so I'll get to the point here. Movies and the Super Bowl today. Studios pay big bucks to get our attention despite the fact that we live in the age of media bombardment--oh who am I kidding, it's more of a media enema since some of the movies advertised today have already been shoved up our asses by TV, the internet and those cool little previews they show before movies in the theater but after the coke commercials...
And here are my thoughts on what we saw...
Angels & Demons
Based on the book that came before the Da Vinci Code, all I can gather from this spot is that Tom Hanks has ditched the euro-mullet and--more importantly--Ron Howard doesn't seem to be interested in making movies I care to see anymore.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Can we just call this movie I can't believe I'm going to shell out 20 bucks for a movie by that ass-clown Michael Bay AGAIN because I love my son and he will desperately want to see it. Looks like more of the same to me, but since Mr. Bay is always out to top himself this will indeed be the worst movie he's ever made...
until he makes another one.
A bunch of stuff will get blown up, planes will land in the sunset, and the editing will throw me into a seizure.
Land of the Lost
If Will Farrell was here right now I'd kiss him on the mouth. Even his misfires are 10 times as awesome as most movies. What I like about this spot is that my kids will dig it (like Kicking and Screaming - yes, sue me) and ease the pain of having to wait until they are old enough to enjoy his masterpieces.
Oh yeah, and Matt Lauer can EAT IT!
Up!
I love Pixar but they definitely fall into the category of titles that have been shoved up my ass. But since Disney markets their films that way and it can't be helped, and more importantly since Pixar has't let me down yet, Up! is going to get a huge pass. It looks to be yet another foray into unconventional storytelling. I can't wait to see Pixar do 3D, since they do everything else so damn well.
G.I. Joe
Knowing this movie will suck ass is half the battle.
Fast and the Furious X (I think it's only IV but it feels like X)
This one at least unites the original players Paul walker and Vin Diesel in an effort to recapture the magic of the first film in the franchise. That film was loud, fast, and really really dumb but god help me I loved it. I won't see this one until it is on DVD but compared to G.I. Joe this is going to look like Fellini.
The Year One
I have not laughed this hard in a while. Jack Black and Michael Cera in biblical times... If you've seen the clip with Cain and Able online then you know the tone of this movie... and that it will be hilarious. I have to admit I might be most impressed with this spot because it didn't contain 8,000 quick cuts.
Monsters Vs Aliens
Dreamworks is really hit and miss as far as I'm concerned when it comes to their animated fare. Shrek and Shrek 2 were good, Kung Fu panda was awesome. Shrek 3 was crap and Madagascar made me wish the butter that was on my popcorn would kill me before the movie was over and I didn't even bother seeing Shark Tale cause I just didn't care. Monsters Vs Aliens has been crammed so far up my butt that the only thing that's farther up there is Will Smith, but unless the world ends before this film is released I'm going to see it. And thanks to Big C and Hero Stew for the 3D glasses.
Star Trek
I saved this one for last. Good hell, I'm tempted to track down this spot on the internet to find out what the hell I supposedly saw but I worry I can't afford to lose anymore brain cells. I get that this movie is being marketed as big and exciting but I would rather see less cool stuff being blasted at my eyes and ears in a 30 second TV spot. I just hope that JJ Abrams made a Star Trek movie, but so far I still can't tell. I don't mind him bringing his own flare and perspective to the table, but I'd hate to see this movie alienate a fanbase that has already had to weather the last two movies.
I was really hoping we'd get something more out of this particular spot but that is what I get for hoping.
Right?
* * *
Well that's all I saw folks, if I missed anything feel free to let me know. Overall I'd say the spots were pretty average. The only film that I truly feel compelled to see based on a Super Bowl add is The Year One. Monsters vs Aliens was fun and my kids dug the 3D gimmick but the add one this day didn't actually have anything to do with whether or not I will see this movie. Up! added about 5 new seconds to stuff we've all seen before so thanks for that Disney, but again this is a movie I was going to see anyway.
As for the rest... maybe I'm getting old or perhaps I've simply had it with the way movies are being made and marketed these days. Last year I went to the theater less than ever and I didn't miss much. From my vantage point based on these previews it looks like this year will offer much, much more of the same.
Only possibly worse.
Word From Big C. Vol 30
Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach
Ok I had a little bit of a dilemma on whether or not to rent this motion picture, for the "rent it" side it had Seann William Scott in it and for the"lets not" side it is about tennis. Some of the elements that made this movie enjoyable are foreign exchange student that is a ping pong champ, beer and beef jerky, midget innuendos and athletic supporters. I was indeed very happy after viewing this funny movie and I believe that you will like this movie.
Max Payne
I was disappointed at Mila Kunis performance because I read and heard that she was "SO hot and awesome for she was barely more then a secondary character for me. Other then that Mark Wahlberg and Beau Bridges stole this movie. See this one just for action and such.
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
I am a big fan of the Underworld franchise so when I found out about this movie I was so excited that I almost creamed my shorts. With that said I really enjoyed this movie aside from some minor inconsistencies with the previous movies (as I mentioned in an earlier post that young kids should not be in R rated movies) the fucking annoying 5 year old girl to my left doing basically whatever the fuck she wanted to do and as Herostew called him Coronal Mustard to our right eating what seemed like a fucking 7 coarse meal all wrapped in tin foil and plastic bags. Now back to Underworld the practical effects are SO sweet that I indeed came a little, the gore was plentiful but not too much that it overpowered the story, the shit they did with giant crossbows was fucking amazing. Oh My God this post is long so I am ending it here. SEE THIS MOVIE EVERYONE.
Ok I had a little bit of a dilemma on whether or not to rent this motion picture, for the "rent it" side it had Seann William Scott in it and for the"lets not" side it is about tennis. Some of the elements that made this movie enjoyable are foreign exchange student that is a ping pong champ, beer and beef jerky, midget innuendos and athletic supporters. I was indeed very happy after viewing this funny movie and I believe that you will like this movie.
Max Payne
I was disappointed at Mila Kunis performance because I read and heard that she was "SO hot and awesome for she was barely more then a secondary character for me. Other then that Mark Wahlberg and Beau Bridges stole this movie. See this one just for action and such.
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
I am a big fan of the Underworld franchise so when I found out about this movie I was so excited that I almost creamed my shorts. With that said I really enjoyed this movie aside from some minor inconsistencies with the previous movies (as I mentioned in an earlier post that young kids should not be in R rated movies) the fucking annoying 5 year old girl to my left doing basically whatever the fuck she wanted to do and as Herostew called him Coronal Mustard to our right eating what seemed like a fucking 7 coarse meal all wrapped in tin foil and plastic bags. Now back to Underworld the practical effects are SO sweet that I indeed came a little, the gore was plentiful but not too much that it overpowered the story, the shit they did with giant crossbows was fucking amazing. Oh My God this post is long so I am ending it here. SEE THIS MOVIE EVERYONE.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Word From Big C Vol. 29
Wisegal
A movie with (even if it is a T.V. movie) Alyssa Milano and James Caan how can you go wrong? In this one they didn't disappoint, there is a roller coaster ride of emotions and excitement and ends very nicely.
The Dead Girl
This one it a very very heavy drama if that's what your looking for watch this one.
Disaster Movie
Like all of these "combo-comedies" it has it's moments and the females are far too hot for these movies.
A movie with (even if it is a T.V. movie) Alyssa Milano and James Caan how can you go wrong? In this one they didn't disappoint, there is a roller coaster ride of emotions and excitement and ends very nicely.
The Dead Girl
This one it a very very heavy drama if that's what your looking for watch this one.
Disaster Movie
Like all of these "combo-comedies" it has it's moments and the females are far too hot for these movies.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Word from Big C Vol. 28
Yes Man
Funny funny stuff in this picture. Jim Carrey was indeed the right man for this one he was funny trough-out this moving picture. Bradley Cooper and Danny Masterson make a great duo of friends for Jim's character not to forget Aaron Takahashi as Lee (best friend/roadie name ever) the male nurse. Terence Stamp is always enjoyable and Zooey Deschanel is a great actress. There are scenes of implied geriatric sex acts, Jim's ass just to name a few of the funnies in this movie. So to reiterate I say giver-a-look see.
Funny funny stuff in this picture. Jim Carrey was indeed the right man for this one he was funny trough-out this moving picture. Bradley Cooper and Danny Masterson make a great duo of friends for Jim's character not to forget Aaron Takahashi as Lee (best friend/roadie name ever) the male nurse. Terence Stamp is always enjoyable and Zooey Deschanel is a great actress. There are scenes of implied geriatric sex acts, Jim's ass just to name a few of the funnies in this movie. So to reiterate I say giver-a-look see.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Word from Big C Vol 27
I feel like a sap for not posting in awhile so I have this little nugget for all you beautiful people and yes I know that it is officailly out of season but you can suck it if you don't like it.
Fred Claus
So this is a movie in which Vince Vaughn plays Vince Vaughn (like he does in all his movies but I'm ok with that) and Paul Giamatti does a most excellent portrayall of good old St. Nick, Kevin Spacey is awsome as the Yin to the Claus's Yang (SPOILER ALERT the comic book refferance is amazing) and Elizabeth Banks is probably the best Santa's lil'helper ever. Its a feel good movie, give it a look-see.
As far as the worst secual ever I can't argue with Mr. blunderson (mostly because he is just to witty for me) But I am going to have to say that I am still contemplating this with my computatiion machine and will let you know when I come to a dission on the topic.
Fred Claus
So this is a movie in which Vince Vaughn plays Vince Vaughn (like he does in all his movies but I'm ok with that) and Paul Giamatti does a most excellent portrayall of good old St. Nick, Kevin Spacey is awsome as the Yin to the Claus's Yang (SPOILER ALERT the comic book refferance is amazing) and Elizabeth Banks is probably the best Santa's lil'helper ever. Its a feel good movie, give it a look-see.
As far as the worst secual ever I can't argue with Mr. blunderson (mostly because he is just to witty for me) But I am going to have to say that I am still contemplating this with my computatiion machine and will let you know when I come to a dission on the topic.
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