Since its been a while since we've heard from Big C, I thought I'd give you a double dose today and give you his word on not one, but two flicks.
Hellboy Animated: Sword of Storms Big C couldn't say much beyond "Wow... especially if you like great big bodies with tiny little feet."
He also saw The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning and was surprised how much he missed Jessica Simpson. He was as shocked as anybody. There was also much more "nipple-age" than he expected.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Review - Evening Harder
by Mr. Blunderson
The follow up to Evening with Kevin Smith rules. That's all there is to it. The second disc (London Q&A) is worth the price alone. If you haven't already seen it, go and get a"portion" of Kevin Smith right now.
The only thing I can say beyond that is...
Half...
Half...
Whole.
The follow up to Evening with Kevin Smith rules. That's all there is to it. The second disc (London Q&A) is worth the price alone. If you haven't already seen it, go and get a"portion" of Kevin Smith right now.
The only thing I can say beyond that is...
Half...
Half...
Whole.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
A Word From Big C vol. 3
Big C dug up a little Canadian film from way back in 2006 called 5 Girls. The good news is that that he enjoyed it, and the bad news is that he says "it's not what you think." By you he meant me and my warped and twisted mind. Although to be fair, you probably thought the same thing I did. To clear things up, IMDB reports the tagline as "Five girls vs 2000 Demons. You do the math."
If Big C's recommendation along with that super great tagline don't have you making plans to see this movie before you do anything (and I mean anything) else, please consider that 5 Girls stars the legendary Ron Pearlman, so when you watch it you'll witness him saying things like "The devil is a liar, a trickster, and a thief... but he ain't a Latin major," as only he can.
If Big C's recommendation along with that super great tagline don't have you making plans to see this movie before you do anything (and I mean anything) else, please consider that 5 Girls stars the legendary Ron Pearlman, so when you watch it you'll witness him saying things like "The devil is a liar, a trickster, and a thief... but he ain't a Latin major," as only he can.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
REVIEW - The Holiday
Written & Directed by Nancy Meyers
Rated PG-13 - 138 minutes
Released December 8, 2006
If you know anything about my site, you know I generally only see movies that my wife brings home from the video store. This means I am always at her mercy. Most of the time she does a great job finding things I will at least enjoy. Then there is March 17, 2007. The day my wife brought home the worst movie I have seen in years.
The Holiday was too painful for either for us to watch to the end. We found ourselves skipping to the next scene before the first hour was over. At first it was only to skip past the tediousness of Cameron Diaz and her "boo hoo I've never shed a tear" happy crappy (gee, didn't see how that would end... NOT!). Eventually it was because it was too damn long and nothing had happened except for "blah, blah, blah."
This movie is all talk, and I like plenty of movies that are all talk. First of all, I would like to point out that not one of those movies are 138 minutes long. Secondly, those movies are INTERESTING! Nothing here even approached the realm of compelling. I couldn't relate to Cameron Diaz's character because she was a tired cliche played by a horrible actress, and I couldn't sympathize with Kate Winslet's character because she was hung up on a guy that was such a schmuck on screen he practically oozed sleaze. She talked about how great he was but there was never any evidence from the interaction we see between her and Jasper (his name was Jasper for godsake!) and that made her character come across as weak and dumb. If I wanted to see that I'd spend 138 minutes looking in the mirror. If you want to be in love with someone who is getting married fine, but can you please demonstrate ONE FUCKING REASON why anyone would like the guy. At the end of the film where she finally slams the door shut on the dumbass and proclaims she "has gumption" I nearly vomited.
And Jack Black... What the fuck happened there? I have always liked Jack Black, even when he was in horrible movies (cough King Kong cough). The guy on the screen here was not the real Jack Black but some horrible "stepford wives" version. I had heard he was "restrained" in this role, but nothing about his performance felt right. If he had been his "normal" self then at least there would be one good thing to say about The Holiday.
As for the 138 minutes... There are plenty of films coming out these days that could survive--even improve with a little trimming. You could literally whittle this down to two separate movies. Sadly, they would both totally suck. For that reason, The Holiday rates a "flat-out sucks" and a "don't bother" on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
Rated PG-13 - 138 minutes
Released December 8, 2006
If you know anything about my site, you know I generally only see movies that my wife brings home from the video store. This means I am always at her mercy. Most of the time she does a great job finding things I will at least enjoy. Then there is March 17, 2007. The day my wife brought home the worst movie I have seen in years.
The Holiday was too painful for either for us to watch to the end. We found ourselves skipping to the next scene before the first hour was over. At first it was only to skip past the tediousness of Cameron Diaz and her "boo hoo I've never shed a tear" happy crappy (gee, didn't see how that would end... NOT!). Eventually it was because it was too damn long and nothing had happened except for "blah, blah, blah."
This movie is all talk, and I like plenty of movies that are all talk. First of all, I would like to point out that not one of those movies are 138 minutes long. Secondly, those movies are INTERESTING! Nothing here even approached the realm of compelling. I couldn't relate to Cameron Diaz's character because she was a tired cliche played by a horrible actress, and I couldn't sympathize with Kate Winslet's character because she was hung up on a guy that was such a schmuck on screen he practically oozed sleaze. She talked about how great he was but there was never any evidence from the interaction we see between her and Jasper (his name was Jasper for godsake!) and that made her character come across as weak and dumb. If I wanted to see that I'd spend 138 minutes looking in the mirror. If you want to be in love with someone who is getting married fine, but can you please demonstrate ONE FUCKING REASON why anyone would like the guy. At the end of the film where she finally slams the door shut on the dumbass and proclaims she "has gumption" I nearly vomited.
And Jack Black... What the fuck happened there? I have always liked Jack Black, even when he was in horrible movies (cough King Kong cough). The guy on the screen here was not the real Jack Black but some horrible "stepford wives" version. I had heard he was "restrained" in this role, but nothing about his performance felt right. If he had been his "normal" self then at least there would be one good thing to say about The Holiday.
As for the 138 minutes... There are plenty of films coming out these days that could survive--even improve with a little trimming. You could literally whittle this down to two separate movies. Sadly, they would both totally suck. For that reason, The Holiday rates a "flat-out sucks" and a "don't bother" on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
Friday, March 16, 2007
REVIEW - Fast Food Nation
Directed by Richard Linklater
Written by Eric Schlosser & Richard Linklater
Rated R - 114 Minutes
Released Nov 17, 2006
Way decent cast, awesome director, intriguing premise, its hard to figure out how this film could go wrong. Pardon the horrible pun but Fast Food Nation may have bitten off more than it could chew. There is simply way too much they try to do. Watching this movie left me feeling like I had spent nearly 2 hours as a dodge ball target for the local pro team. The film meant well but my final analysis could have been spoken by Garth Algar in that it was like watching a "a big plate of hurl."
The fast food industry is evil, so is the meat packing industry, no one has to convince me of that. I also don't mind watching a movie about either, and I can't help but think that if Fast Food Nation had found a way to focus on one or the other it might have felt a little less jumbled by the time the credits rolled.
There is plenty of good stuff in here, especially Greg Kinnear who carries the film early on. Too bad his character disappears for the most of the final two thirds and that's when the movie looses a lot of what it had going for it. Wilmer Valderrama was a good fit for his dramatic role, and Luis Guzman and Kris Kristofferson are Luis Guzman & Kris Kristofferson but that is in no way a criticism. I would pay to watch a movie with just those two guys discussing economics.
Fast Food Nation would have been better as a 12 part series on PBS than a two hour movie. Props for the intentions behind Fast Food Nation, but in the end it gets a "Read the Book," on the Mr. Blunderson movie scale.
Written by Eric Schlosser & Richard Linklater
Rated R - 114 Minutes
Released Nov 17, 2006
Way decent cast, awesome director, intriguing premise, its hard to figure out how this film could go wrong. Pardon the horrible pun but Fast Food Nation may have bitten off more than it could chew. There is simply way too much they try to do. Watching this movie left me feeling like I had spent nearly 2 hours as a dodge ball target for the local pro team. The film meant well but my final analysis could have been spoken by Garth Algar in that it was like watching a "a big plate of hurl."
The fast food industry is evil, so is the meat packing industry, no one has to convince me of that. I also don't mind watching a movie about either, and I can't help but think that if Fast Food Nation had found a way to focus on one or the other it might have felt a little less jumbled by the time the credits rolled.
There is plenty of good stuff in here, especially Greg Kinnear who carries the film early on. Too bad his character disappears for the most of the final two thirds and that's when the movie looses a lot of what it had going for it. Wilmer Valderrama was a good fit for his dramatic role, and Luis Guzman and Kris Kristofferson are Luis Guzman & Kris Kristofferson but that is in no way a criticism. I would pay to watch a movie with just those two guys discussing economics.
Fast Food Nation would have been better as a 12 part series on PBS than a two hour movie. Props for the intentions behind Fast Food Nation, but in the end it gets a "Read the Book," on the Mr. Blunderson movie scale.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Word from Big C vol. 2
Saturday, March 10, 2007
REVIEW - War of the Worlds
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Written by Josh Friedman & David Koepp
Rated PG-13 - 118 Minutes
about this review - I received a note regarding a comment from my review of Insomnia, so I though I'd dig up this blast from the past to clear the air and for the benefit of the whole entire world.
Why Uncle Stevie? Why?!
War of the Worlds felt by the numbers from top to bottom, and featured what is becoming that standard dose of schmaltz I could really do without. An orgy of excess from the beginning to end, felt like a great big "see look what we can do" wham bam thank you ma'am, and if it didn't have the Morgan Freeman bookend narrations then it would have been a complete waste of nearly 2 hours. His voice is like butter.
There are a lot of people who liked this movie. If you did, that's your problem. My reaction was that I had seen this done before many many times. I know Spielberg can make better movies than this and I'll stick to those. I do wish I could convince this genius that a film can have heart without being sappy. The ending (and I mean the very ending) was so painfully sappy that I felt like the Velveeta processed cheese loaf was being shoved up my ass with out even being softened in the microwave first. That's not a good thing.
A good movie (as far as I'm concerned) sticks in your head after you walk out of the theater. It doesn't need a profound message or mind boggling storyline or even tour de foce performances from the cast. A bad movie could be equated to "missing time" of alien abduction lore. 2 hours that are inexplicably gone from your life. That's exactly how I felt after War of the Worlds.
I can't deny this movie looked great, with awesome visuals and special effects. The adaptation is fairly faithful to the book, even though the plot left holes big enough for me to parallel park in. This is a "popcorn movie" if there ever was one, but I don't think it's wrong to want a little bit more from a movie like this, the same way it would have been nice if there was a little more to The Lost World.
I'll try not to judge you if you liked this movie, but there are a hundred other movies that cost a fraction that War of the Worlds cost and will be a better use of your time and money. On the Mr. Blunderson Scale, I give this bad boy a "Meh."
Written by Josh Friedman & David Koepp
Rated PG-13 - 118 Minutes
about this review - I received a note regarding a comment from my review of Insomnia, so I though I'd dig up this blast from the past to clear the air and for the benefit of the whole entire world.
Why Uncle Stevie? Why?!
War of the Worlds felt by the numbers from top to bottom, and featured what is becoming that standard dose of schmaltz I could really do without. An orgy of excess from the beginning to end, felt like a great big "see look what we can do" wham bam thank you ma'am, and if it didn't have the Morgan Freeman bookend narrations then it would have been a complete waste of nearly 2 hours. His voice is like butter.
There are a lot of people who liked this movie. If you did, that's your problem. My reaction was that I had seen this done before many many times. I know Spielberg can make better movies than this and I'll stick to those. I do wish I could convince this genius that a film can have heart without being sappy. The ending (and I mean the very ending) was so painfully sappy that I felt like the Velveeta processed cheese loaf was being shoved up my ass with out even being softened in the microwave first. That's not a good thing.
A good movie (as far as I'm concerned) sticks in your head after you walk out of the theater. It doesn't need a profound message or mind boggling storyline or even tour de foce performances from the cast. A bad movie could be equated to "missing time" of alien abduction lore. 2 hours that are inexplicably gone from your life. That's exactly how I felt after War of the Worlds.
I can't deny this movie looked great, with awesome visuals and special effects. The adaptation is fairly faithful to the book, even though the plot left holes big enough for me to parallel park in. This is a "popcorn movie" if there ever was one, but I don't think it's wrong to want a little bit more from a movie like this, the same way it would have been nice if there was a little more to The Lost World.
I'll try not to judge you if you liked this movie, but there are a hundred other movies that cost a fraction that War of the Worlds cost and will be a better use of your time and money. On the Mr. Blunderson Scale, I give this bad boy a "Meh."
A Word from Big C vol 1
My friend and colleague Bic C isn't an official Jerk here at the Cirque, but he's seen enough movies that I think his voice needs to be heard from time to time. How convenient then that I have this awesome website to push his views upon whatever sap is out there reading the tripe I keep piling up here.
This week C hit the Red Box and picked up Recon 2020. Apparently it looked like a cheap version of Starship Troopers. This is what he had to say about it:
"... the $1.06 I spent felt like way too much. If it had only been 99 cents it would have been worth it."
And that's pretty much it. I'll be back next week with another edition of A word from Big C.
This week C hit the Red Box and picked up Recon 2020. Apparently it looked like a cheap version of Starship Troopers. This is what he had to say about it:
"... the $1.06 I spent felt like way too much. If it had only been 99 cents it would have been worth it."
And that's pretty much it. I'll be back next week with another edition of A word from Big C.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
REVIEW - Now You Know
Written & Directed by Jeff Anderson
Rated R - 102 Minutes
Released Dec 13, 2002
I have thought long and hard about this film from Jeff "Randel Graves" Anderson. I really liked it but I have spent weeks trying to figure out how to convince a reader (in case this site ever gets any) that it's good. As I consider how silly that is, I have to admit to myself that this is not the kind of film you can be talked into. If you like small independent movies that ream you with dialogue then you might like this movie. If you are a fan of the Viewaskewniverse then you might love the movie. If you spend sleepless nights trying to figure out who would win in a fight between Michael Jackson and Prince then you really need to see this movie.
Props to Jeff Anderson for putting it out there with a funny, smart, and what feels like a very personal story. It was engaging, the cast was great, and it looks amazing considering it was shot in 18 days. The film has a real familiar quality which might be related to the impressive supporting cast. Anderson and Fehrman together create characters that are engaging and sad in a way that I can relate to all too well. When they are joined by Sisto it only gets better.
The only thing I really didn't like about this movie was Jeremy Sisto's soul glo hair, but since the film was set is Jersey I suppose it makes sense. I'm not saying that a really bad haircut can't ruin a movie (I'm looking at you Mr. Hanks) I'm just saying that it wasn't the case for me here. Can't say enough for a pre-The Office Rashida Jones either. She's fantastic.
I also dug the way that Anderson managed to talk about the film and praise the cast and crew in the DVD commentary. Too often these tracks consist of people patting themselves on the back or defending crappy movies and that gets old real quick. Not the case here and it didn't hurt that the man himself (or should I say Sir?) Kevin Smith was along for the ride adding his wit and charm to the mix.
In an age where too often the multiplexes are jammed with mega-budget crap-fests, its a comforting to know that straight to video (or DVD as the case may be) isn't always a bad thing. Now you Know gets an "Oh Hells Yes" on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
Rated R - 102 Minutes
Released Dec 13, 2002
I have thought long and hard about this film from Jeff "Randel Graves" Anderson. I really liked it but I have spent weeks trying to figure out how to convince a reader (in case this site ever gets any) that it's good. As I consider how silly that is, I have to admit to myself that this is not the kind of film you can be talked into. If you like small independent movies that ream you with dialogue then you might like this movie. If you are a fan of the Viewaskewniverse then you might love the movie. If you spend sleepless nights trying to figure out who would win in a fight between Michael Jackson and Prince then you really need to see this movie.
Props to Jeff Anderson for putting it out there with a funny, smart, and what feels like a very personal story. It was engaging, the cast was great, and it looks amazing considering it was shot in 18 days. The film has a real familiar quality which might be related to the impressive supporting cast. Anderson and Fehrman together create characters that are engaging and sad in a way that I can relate to all too well. When they are joined by Sisto it only gets better.
The only thing I really didn't like about this movie was Jeremy Sisto's soul glo hair, but since the film was set is Jersey I suppose it makes sense. I'm not saying that a really bad haircut can't ruin a movie (I'm looking at you Mr. Hanks) I'm just saying that it wasn't the case for me here. Can't say enough for a pre-The Office Rashida Jones either. She's fantastic.
I also dug the way that Anderson managed to talk about the film and praise the cast and crew in the DVD commentary. Too often these tracks consist of people patting themselves on the back or defending crappy movies and that gets old real quick. Not the case here and it didn't hurt that the man himself (or should I say Sir?) Kevin Smith was along for the ride adding his wit and charm to the mix.
In an age where too often the multiplexes are jammed with mega-budget crap-fests, its a comforting to know that straight to video (or DVD as the case may be) isn't always a bad thing. Now you Know gets an "Oh Hells Yes" on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
REVIEW - Insomnia
Directed by Christopher Nolan
Written by Hillary Seitz
Rated R - 118 Minutes
Released May 24, 2002
I hate remakes. I can't think of anything I hate more than someone remaking a movie. I suppose musicians sometimes "cover" songs that have been popular before, but you never really see anyone re-writing a novel do you? I could be wrong about that, but I'm not wrong in believing that the majority of film remakes suck balls.
I am perpetually torn since I have no intention to see someone piss all over a movie that I loved or admired but at the same time I am compelled to see them because it gives me the ammo I need to bitch about how bad they suck.
After seeing Memento & Following, Christopher Nolan had become one of my favorite directors ever. When I discovered the next film he was making was a remake of a Norwegian Film my skin began to crawl and I almost vomited. Of course I had never seen the original film upon which Nolan's was based but the idea that a guy I so admired was taking this path threw me into what could have been a massive nervous breakdown if I hadn't already been in the process of having a real nervous breakdown at the time.
Remakes are generally put out by hacks. Even uncle Stevie ventured into the realm of hack-dom when he made War of the Worlds (the very definition of a soulless movie as far as I am concerned). At the time Insomnia was coming out I was still seething over City of Angels, which was a painfully horrible movie and one of the reasons I hate Nicholas Cage, and couldn't even comprehend that Spielberg would even consider such a thing (the jerk) in the near future. The thought of Nolan giving up so quickly made me sad but I saw the movie anyway, if for nothing else I'd have something to bitch about.
I went into Insomnia knowing I would hate it and instantly found myself blown away by Wally Pfister's amazing cinematography. I have seen few movies that looked better than this one, with Nolan taking full advantage of some spectacular Alaskan locations. A cast as talented as this doesn't hurt either, and everyone gets their moment in the sun (so to speak), especially Al Pacino who alone made me forget why I couldn't like this film.
One thing that drew me in was the descent of Detective Dormer (Pacino) into the realm of sleeplessness. I have had insomnia since I was five years old and have at various times in my life gone days and days without sleep. Although every person's madness is unique I was haunted by the way Nolan was able to put the viewer in Dormer's head as the world around him became more and more incomprehensible.
Despite my reservations, Nolan was still a genius when I first saw this film and I love it even more having seen it again after purchasing it from the bargain bin. He's got to be a genius if he can make me like a remake. Insomnia keeps Mr. Nolan's Batting average at a thousand and gets an "Oh Hells Yes" on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
Written by Hillary Seitz
Rated R - 118 Minutes
Released May 24, 2002
I hate remakes. I can't think of anything I hate more than someone remaking a movie. I suppose musicians sometimes "cover" songs that have been popular before, but you never really see anyone re-writing a novel do you? I could be wrong about that, but I'm not wrong in believing that the majority of film remakes suck balls.
I am perpetually torn since I have no intention to see someone piss all over a movie that I loved or admired but at the same time I am compelled to see them because it gives me the ammo I need to bitch about how bad they suck.
After seeing Memento & Following, Christopher Nolan had become one of my favorite directors ever. When I discovered the next film he was making was a remake of a Norwegian Film my skin began to crawl and I almost vomited. Of course I had never seen the original film upon which Nolan's was based but the idea that a guy I so admired was taking this path threw me into what could have been a massive nervous breakdown if I hadn't already been in the process of having a real nervous breakdown at the time.
Remakes are generally put out by hacks. Even uncle Stevie ventured into the realm of hack-dom when he made War of the Worlds (the very definition of a soulless movie as far as I am concerned). At the time Insomnia was coming out I was still seething over City of Angels, which was a painfully horrible movie and one of the reasons I hate Nicholas Cage, and couldn't even comprehend that Spielberg would even consider such a thing (the jerk) in the near future. The thought of Nolan giving up so quickly made me sad but I saw the movie anyway, if for nothing else I'd have something to bitch about.
I went into Insomnia knowing I would hate it and instantly found myself blown away by Wally Pfister's amazing cinematography. I have seen few movies that looked better than this one, with Nolan taking full advantage of some spectacular Alaskan locations. A cast as talented as this doesn't hurt either, and everyone gets their moment in the sun (so to speak), especially Al Pacino who alone made me forget why I couldn't like this film.
One thing that drew me in was the descent of Detective Dormer (Pacino) into the realm of sleeplessness. I have had insomnia since I was five years old and have at various times in my life gone days and days without sleep. Although every person's madness is unique I was haunted by the way Nolan was able to put the viewer in Dormer's head as the world around him became more and more incomprehensible.
Despite my reservations, Nolan was still a genius when I first saw this film and I love it even more having seen it again after purchasing it from the bargain bin. He's got to be a genius if he can make me like a remake. Insomnia keeps Mr. Nolan's Batting average at a thousand and gets an "Oh Hells Yes" on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
The Jerks are back in Town!
After a brief hiatus, the Jerks are back and will get to flinging their opinions on the Internet ASAP. Sure we don't review movies you haven't seen already but you don't need us to tell you whether you'll like or hate a movie or whether or not you should see a movie, you like to know what we think because we all need validation from jerks every once in a while.
That may sound a bit pretentious, but we wouldn't be jerks if we didn't have a high opinion of our opinions.
If you're wondering if you as a reader are required to think highly of our opinions take a hike! We're jerks and we don't care what you think.
If you happen to be a jerk, watch a lot of movies, and want to join the circus here at Cirque Du Jerks, drop us a line care of the Head Jerk at jkstimpy@gmail.com. I'd tell you we'd get back to you when we feel like but that would be overkill, right?
That may sound a bit pretentious, but we wouldn't be jerks if we didn't have a high opinion of our opinions.
If you're wondering if you as a reader are required to think highly of our opinions take a hike! We're jerks and we don't care what you think.
If you happen to be a jerk, watch a lot of movies, and want to join the circus here at Cirque Du Jerks, drop us a line care of the Head Jerk at jkstimpy@gmail.com. I'd tell you we'd get back to you when we feel like but that would be overkill, right?
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