Review - 2012

Mr. Blunderson

EDIT - 24 hours later I realize that some of my opinions have changed about this movie and I'm not ashamed to admit it. 2012 isn't nearly as good as I made it out to be.

My only regret is that the world didn't end before I saw this movie. Now I want it to end. The movie, the world, and the lives of the people who made it.

No that's not fair, there are probably a lot of decent people who worked on this movie. But Roland Emmerich needs to be tied up and launched into space in a rocket headed straight for the sun before he is able to put his slimy man fingers down the panties of The Foundation... one of the few books in this world I consider holy.

And you wonder why I'm an atheist...

2012 is filled with more cliches than a Michael Bay flick and Roland Emmerich seems to be riding his Independence Day formula harder than I ride my fleshlight... that is, if I had a fleshlight... god I need a fleshlight.

And while we're at it, let's take the biggest possible shit we can on science... another point that distresses me over The Foundation adaptation.

What really distresses me is that this movie made three quarters of a billion dollars. That means people watched the shit out of this shit. IT BOGGLES THE MIND! I get watching this movie once accidentally, not knowing any better. But are you fucking kidding me? There's dumb and then there's 2012 dumb. The cinematic evolution beyond this film is for someone to show up at my house and literally shit into my eyeballs and piss into my ears. Piss in THX, now that will be something to behold while I'm being befouled.

If you can't tell I'm writing this as I'm watching the film... At one hour and nine minutes all I can say is I hope there are more scenes of people driving or flying just slightly faster than natural disasters.

wow this dialogue and plot just get worse and worse... NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

"this is one flight he shouldn't have been late for."

Kill me now!

"The director of the Louvre was an enemy of humanity???"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

Close your eyes and think back to when you saw Independence Day the first time. Remember the scene in the first few minutes that took place at the radio telescopes where REM's "End of the World as we know it" was playing in the background and you chuckled because you had seen the trailers of the movie and you knew the end of the world as we knew it was coming... remember that chuckle? remember that moment? I'm about and hour and thirteen minutes into 2012 and there must have been at least 10 moments that were basically that same gag.

1:15 - Holy crap, it's like he's recycling moments from previous movies. At least Mr. Emmerich is working green.

1:16 - This movie is so bad it makes me wish I was watching The Happening.

1:16 - Wow, it looks as if we're going to see yet another scene (this will be the third in less than 30 minutes) of people in a vehicle outrunning a natural disaster of some sort. Wow this movie is really pulling out all the stops. (/sarcasm)

1:17 - Any bets that the cars are going to have to be jettisoned? Will the plane get too heavy? Or will it be something much worse?

1:17 - This is the third time in the movie we see a plane taxing down a crumbling runway. It has gotten so bad now I wish I was watching Lady in the Water.

1:19 - I liked this movie a lot better when it was called Deep Impact. At least that movie had some mutherfucking John Favreau. Comet impact, baby! You're money and you don't even know it.

1:23 - Stop talking!!!!!!!!!

1:26 - Chiwetel Ejiofor is a fucking great actor. I'll give you that. You were the bees balls in Serenity.

1:30 - The heads of state who stayed behind are being wiped out by SCIENCE!!!! It can't be God cause the Italian head of state decided to trust in prayer... what else could it be. My brain is being fucked in the ass by this movie... good crap my brain ass sure is raw.

1:31 - What I am most thankful for in this particular narrative is that there is not a situation that arises that doesn't have a graphic computer simulation to show us what will happen before it happens... I hope the guys that programmed those are on the ships cause you know they put in a shit-ton of work before the apocalypse.

1:33 - Liked it better in The Poseidon Adventure. That mutherfucker had Hackman, Borgnine, AND Roddy McDowwell. Now that's an all-star cast.

1:35 - White House and President Glover being smooshed by a Tsunami AND and air-craft carrier... we are all dumber for having witnessed this... especially me.


1:41 - The Earth's crust shifted a thousand miles for the convenience of the plot.

1:42 - I was sort of wrong about the cars, I can see that, but this is much much dumber than I had feared. Also, are there still people out there who believe that there are ANY levers on any sort of plane that depend on your sheer strength to operate them?

1:47 - FUCK this movie.

1:53 - If only they had a car, they could have escaped the tidal wave... if only...

2:04 - They're trying to tug at the heart strings, but they're pulling at the one attached to my colon.

2:05 - Goodbye Gordon... your death is going to very convenient in terms of character resolution. This is the final boarding call for the SS Easy way out with stops in predictable endings, serious lack of originality, and neat little packages.

2:09 - Wow, he's got an I-pad. This really is the worst movie ever.

2:12 - People are drowning. I'm drowning in a puddle of my own misery.

2:15 - Pulling on my colon strings AGAIN.

2:18 - It's a damn good thing they have cameras in the spot they might have a hydraulics failure. Too bad they spent all their money on waterproof cameras and not mountain proof boats.

2:20 - but they already killed the new and better fake dad so you know they won't kill off old bad/redeemed real dad. Not really.

2:23 - Wow, people are more happy that some guy that was involved with the cause of their ship malfunctioning surviving than they were in not hitting the mountain...

2:29 - Worst. Closing. Credits Song. Period. I just barfed a bunch.

That's it. The end. I can't unsee this movie but I will give 2012 a "fuck this shit!" on the Mr. Blunderson scale, and that's being generous.