Open Letter To David Hayter

Note from the editor - to be fair, before I read the open letter from Mr. Hayter, I only disliked Watchmen. Now I hate it. I think his letter is the worst kind of self-promoting masturbation. Anyone who has to tell us that the depth of their film can only be truly appreciated after multiple viewings is complete and utter poon cheese. If his movie was so damn great I'd be watching it again right now with my fellow sheep, as opposed to sitting at home with a heating pad on my aching back (a condition I can not blame on Watchmen sadly). But since we're not, Fuck him and fuck his movie. You want me to see a movie in the theater multiple times? Make movie that doesn't suck Dr. Manhattan's blue balls.

Dear Mr. Hayter,

I just read your "open letter" and I saw your movie. It was a waste of time and money. It was obvious to me that the people who made the film (and by that I mean the director and screenwriters, etc.) really liked the source material, obviously you knew it was really, really cool, but none of you seemed to actually get it.

Your movie isn't bleak, it isn't profound, and it isn't even good. If it wasn't for Jackie Earle Haley--and I will be the first to shout it from the top of every mountain on earth that he owned this movie--I would right now be hunting each of you down to personally get a refund of my time and money because as I said before, the Watchmen film was a waste of both.

Also I am agoraphobic, so chances of me leaving the house are next to none so sleep easy.

I left the fucking house for your movie and I could have gotten more enjoyment out of shoving the graphic novel up my ass... something I still might do since I've had a bit to drink tonight and I have some time on my hands.

And kudos for having only a snail-mail address to your representation on your official website so I can't send you an incendiary email. Like I'm gonna waste a stamp on your sorry ass.

I appreciate that you came up with an ending that "works" but apart from that the script comes across as a cut and paste job which makes me wonder why you deserve a screenwriting credit at all.

In your letter you say that your movie has balls, but if it really did you would have put the squid on the screen. That would have been ballsy.

Thanks for nothing, if I ever meet you in real life I'll introduce you to whoever I'm with (although since I am the agoraphobic film critic this will obviously only happen if you visit me at home) as the guy who owes me five-fifty.

Thank god I saw Watchmen as a matinee. Fuck you for making me wish I'd spent that money on Paul Blart.

best wishes and sincerely yours,
Mr. N Blunderson