When I am not buying DVD's I watch a little of Comcast On-Demand. Sometimes. So today I watched Nicolas Cage's movie "NEXT"
The premise is that Cage can see two weeks into his own future. The FBI enlist his help to find some nukes smuggled into the U.S. by Russians. Since he cannot see into any other future than his own the writers needed to find some way >yawn<. Excuse me. Some way to get him personally involved. Enter the love story. The love interest is played by Jessica Biel.
In less than three days Biel's character falls madly in love with Cage in a way more appropriate to a relationship that has stood the test of time. Since Cage's abilities are known to the Russians, they attempt to get Cage but kidnap his girl instead >yawn<. Excuse me. Now Cage is involved and goes with the FBI to get his girl and stop the evil Ruskies. I understand his powers help him know where the next punch is coming from. But they never explain how he becomes a master of hand to hand combat as he takes out six armed military guards.
Since he can see into his own personal future, he goes with a FBI team to save his woman. During a massive shoot out he stands dead center chest out never dodging bullets. Since he knows who is going to shoot from where and when.
But wait. After saving the girl Cage realizes he made >yawn<>yawn<. Excuse me. He made a mistake. There is an interesting twist at the end and some good action sequences. But the >yawn<>yawn< in between make it a weak mooooZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzzzz double cheese Zzzzzzzz burger Zzzzzzzzzz Jessica Alba ZzzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzz
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Master Of The Flying Guillotine
Over the last weekend I got my Kung Fu on. I picked up a couple of martial art film classics and here is my review of one. HEE-YA!!!!
Master Of The Flying Guillotine:
I came across this lost gem much by accident. I hadn't seen this movie since the 70's. The one thing I always remembered about it was an Indian character who could stretch his arms while fighting. The inspiration for the Street Fighter video games. With CGI not even a thought, this character was very cool using practical FX. I still found this film fun and entertaining after all these years. The director writer and star Jimmy Wang Yu gave guys like Jackie Chan their start and created a popular franchise of his own in the form of the one armed boxer. As the one armed boxer, Jimmy is targeted by a blind master who seeks revenge for the deaths of his two disciples. The blind master's weapon? Think of it as a hat connected to a long thin chain. When thrown onto an opponents head, the blind master pulls the chain, AND OFF COMES THE HEAD! Since this is an old independent flick the realism in the decapitations are a bit laughable. But it is all a part of the fun. The movie really shines at the very end when the one armed boxer sets up a virtual gauntlet to defeat the blind master. Very well thought out and a testament to Jimmy Wang Yu's abilities as a film maker. If you like classic camp and martial arts, you MUST seek out this movie.
Master Of The Flying Guillotine:
I came across this lost gem much by accident. I hadn't seen this movie since the 70's. The one thing I always remembered about it was an Indian character who could stretch his arms while fighting. The inspiration for the Street Fighter video games. With CGI not even a thought, this character was very cool using practical FX. I still found this film fun and entertaining after all these years. The director writer and star Jimmy Wang Yu gave guys like Jackie Chan their start and created a popular franchise of his own in the form of the one armed boxer. As the one armed boxer, Jimmy is targeted by a blind master who seeks revenge for the deaths of his two disciples. The blind master's weapon? Think of it as a hat connected to a long thin chain. When thrown onto an opponents head, the blind master pulls the chain, AND OFF COMES THE HEAD! Since this is an old independent flick the realism in the decapitations are a bit laughable. But it is all a part of the fun. The movie really shines at the very end when the one armed boxer sets up a virtual gauntlet to defeat the blind master. Very well thought out and a testament to Jimmy Wang Yu's abilities as a film maker. If you like classic camp and martial arts, you MUST seek out this movie.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
DVDs I Bought
Here are some short reviews of DVDs I bought over the weekend. Reviews for all my friends who suck and admitted won't read my entire reviews (sticks out bottom lip) if they are too long.
So here it goes chumps:
Delta Farce
Makes Pauly Shore's In The Army Now look like Apocalypse Now. Jokes you can see coming before you put the DVD in. Danny Trejo as a terrorist named Carlos Santana probably owns the funniest moments in the film. He sings I Will Survive. My 12 year old son loved it.
Hot Rod
I have to admit I liked this movie. Very subtle humor. I would watch it again for repeat laughs.
No Country For Old Men
Awesome movie. Disturbing. Thought provoking. Flawless. If you like movies that don't suck this is the one for you. It made me want to read the book it is based on. I haven't seen all the Oscar nominated movies yet because Cinemark likes to give 4 screens to CRAP! But as far as I can tell, this movie deserved all it won.
King Of Kong
A great movie/documentary about the battle between good and evil with the old Donkey Kong video game as the battle field. This is an Everyman's story that anybody can relate to made more entertaining by its subject matter.
South Park Imaginationland
The end all of pop culture parody toons. I loved these three episodes when first aired on Comedy Central and loved them more on DVD. Instead of the traditional South Park opener each episode begins with a new opener paying homage to film's biggest blockbusters. Ronald McDonald looses an arm. Strawberry Shortcake is tortured by terrorist who are attacking our imaginations. They pull out her eye and then urinate in her eye socket. Kurt Russell is raped by woodland creatures. All this while Cartman tries to force Kyle to suck his balls after loosing a bet. That is just a couple of instances of the depravity that occurs. With appearances by Luke Skywalker, Snarf, Popeye, Wonder Woman, Freddy Krueger, and Man Bear Pig just to name a few.
The Ten
This film stars Paul Rudd. I know that should end this review. Since all things Paul Rudd are glorious. So fuck you! This film is made up of ten separate stories each tackling a commandment from the Bible. It has some funny moments and some lulls. BUT! The last scene with naked male companionship is well worth your scratch. Bottoms up is all I am going to say.
Fat Albert And The Cosby Kids
No not the live action movie. I have been coveting this previously viewed collection on sale at Blockbuster for some time. I finally bought them. A great trip down nostalgia lane. I think these toons still hold up and do teach some valuable lessons. Can you believe that a network actually turned down these toons back in the seventies because they were TOO educational. But unless you can get these cheap, don't buy them. "But Hero Stew. You said these toons were Awesome." SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME EXPLAIN YOU DOUCHE!!! Another company has picked up these toons and will release them as seasons. So you may want to hold up. But for me. I don't trust the new company to NOT release them as flipper discs. You know. No art on either side. I HATE THAT!
Sorry if those reviews seemed too long my friends. Now I will go to YOUR blogs and read and savor any new content you may have. Short or long. Because that is the kind of friend I am.
So here it goes chumps:
Delta Farce
Makes Pauly Shore's In The Army Now look like Apocalypse Now. Jokes you can see coming before you put the DVD in. Danny Trejo as a terrorist named Carlos Santana probably owns the funniest moments in the film. He sings I Will Survive. My 12 year old son loved it.
Hot Rod
I have to admit I liked this movie. Very subtle humor. I would watch it again for repeat laughs.
No Country For Old Men
Awesome movie. Disturbing. Thought provoking. Flawless. If you like movies that don't suck this is the one for you. It made me want to read the book it is based on. I haven't seen all the Oscar nominated movies yet because Cinemark likes to give 4 screens to CRAP! But as far as I can tell, this movie deserved all it won.
King Of Kong
A great movie/documentary about the battle between good and evil with the old Donkey Kong video game as the battle field. This is an Everyman's story that anybody can relate to made more entertaining by its subject matter.
South Park Imaginationland
The end all of pop culture parody toons. I loved these three episodes when first aired on Comedy Central and loved them more on DVD. Instead of the traditional South Park opener each episode begins with a new opener paying homage to film's biggest blockbusters. Ronald McDonald looses an arm. Strawberry Shortcake is tortured by terrorist who are attacking our imaginations. They pull out her eye and then urinate in her eye socket. Kurt Russell is raped by woodland creatures. All this while Cartman tries to force Kyle to suck his balls after loosing a bet. That is just a couple of instances of the depravity that occurs. With appearances by Luke Skywalker, Snarf, Popeye, Wonder Woman, Freddy Krueger, and Man Bear Pig just to name a few.
The Ten
This film stars Paul Rudd. I know that should end this review. Since all things Paul Rudd are glorious. So fuck you! This film is made up of ten separate stories each tackling a commandment from the Bible. It has some funny moments and some lulls. BUT! The last scene with naked male companionship is well worth your scratch. Bottoms up is all I am going to say.
Fat Albert And The Cosby Kids
No not the live action movie. I have been coveting this previously viewed collection on sale at Blockbuster for some time. I finally bought them. A great trip down nostalgia lane. I think these toons still hold up and do teach some valuable lessons. Can you believe that a network actually turned down these toons back in the seventies because they were TOO educational. But unless you can get these cheap, don't buy them. "But Hero Stew. You said these toons were Awesome." SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME EXPLAIN YOU DOUCHE!!! Another company has picked up these toons and will release them as seasons. So you may want to hold up. But for me. I don't trust the new company to NOT release them as flipper discs. You know. No art on either side. I HATE THAT!
Sorry if those reviews seemed too long my friends. Now I will go to YOUR blogs and read and savor any new content you may have. Short or long. Because that is the kind of friend I am.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
what is with the net?
by Mr. Blunderson
They must be bucking for a Pulitzer over at Ain't It Cool News. Contributor "Merrick" posted a tidbit about Len Wiseman's next movie being a shot at redemption after Live Free or Die Hard...
When redeeming yourself means returning to the form presented in the Underworld franchise then poke me in the eyes so I can't see any more movies.
Are you kidding me?!
They must be bucking for a Pulitzer over at Ain't It Cool News. Contributor "Merrick" posted a tidbit about Len Wiseman's next movie being a shot at redemption after Live Free or Die Hard...
When redeeming yourself means returning to the form presented in the Underworld franchise then poke me in the eyes so I can't see any more movies.
Are you kidding me?!
Saturday, March 8, 2008
The Bank Job
Friday March 7th at the movies. For me the choices were 10,000 B.C. or Jason Statham's new flick The Bank Job.
The plot:
A car dealer with a dodgy past and new family, Terry (Jason Statham) has always avoided major-league scams. But when Martine, a beautiful model from his old neighborhood, offers him a lead on a foolproof bank hit on London's Baker Street, Terry recognizes the opportunity of a lifetime. Martine targets a roomful of safe deposit boxes worth millions in cash and jewelry. But Terry and his crew don't realize the boxes also contain a treasure trove of dirty secrets - secrets that will thrust them into a deadly web of corruption and illicit scandal that spans London's criminal underworld, the highest echelons of the British government, and the Royal Family itself.....
I was in the mood for some action and grit. So I opted for this Statham flick.... and didn't get it. I found that by the time the movie had ended, all the action in the film, was in the movie trailer. This movie plays more like a Ocean's 11 movie with out the wit or charm. It's a British bank heist movie with Jason Statham playing a clever average guy. No super heroics in here or Transporter like car chases.
Having said that, it wasn't a bad movie. It just plays straight. No fancy camera work. No snappy dialog. No stand out performances. It's just an average movie relating actual events. Not a movie that requires or makes any use of a big screen or a big sound system. The same can be said for many comedies. But those films are often made better by a vocal audience. There was nothing in this movie for an audience as a whole to get excited about.
My only REAL gripe was when the action finally happened in the last 10 minutes. It seemed out of place. Up until that point, Statham was playing an every man type. But then in the finale he takes on at least 4 guys at the same time in a fashion more appropriate to his Transporter character. It was a great sequence, but not right for this 'safe' movie.
I would suggest this movie to those who like heist films with some twists and to those who like seventies thrillers when flat performances were king.
A good movie. But forgettable.
The plot:
A car dealer with a dodgy past and new family, Terry (Jason Statham) has always avoided major-league scams. But when Martine, a beautiful model from his old neighborhood, offers him a lead on a foolproof bank hit on London's Baker Street, Terry recognizes the opportunity of a lifetime. Martine targets a roomful of safe deposit boxes worth millions in cash and jewelry. But Terry and his crew don't realize the boxes also contain a treasure trove of dirty secrets - secrets that will thrust them into a deadly web of corruption and illicit scandal that spans London's criminal underworld, the highest echelons of the British government, and the Royal Family itself.....
I was in the mood for some action and grit. So I opted for this Statham flick.... and didn't get it. I found that by the time the movie had ended, all the action in the film, was in the movie trailer. This movie plays more like a Ocean's 11 movie with out the wit or charm. It's a British bank heist movie with Jason Statham playing a clever average guy. No super heroics in here or Transporter like car chases.
Having said that, it wasn't a bad movie. It just plays straight. No fancy camera work. No snappy dialog. No stand out performances. It's just an average movie relating actual events. Not a movie that requires or makes any use of a big screen or a big sound system. The same can be said for many comedies. But those films are often made better by a vocal audience. There was nothing in this movie for an audience as a whole to get excited about.
My only REAL gripe was when the action finally happened in the last 10 minutes. It seemed out of place. Up until that point, Statham was playing an every man type. But then in the finale he takes on at least 4 guys at the same time in a fashion more appropriate to his Transporter character. It was a great sequence, but not right for this 'safe' movie.
I would suggest this movie to those who like heist films with some twists and to those who like seventies thrillers when flat performances were king.
A good movie. But forgettable.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Word from Big C vol. 15
From Big C
Bring It On: In It To Win It
The Amateurs
Word from Mr. Blunderson - Bring It On: In It To Win It? Dude, are you serious? I'll concede that there may have been some eye candy there but at the same time you have to ask yourself what the cost of seeing this movie was... and I do not mean the dollar you dropped for it at Redbox.
Big Bad Wolf
This one fits in the same category as Black Sheep except it is not as classy or rockin. It has many elements that make a great movie but they just don't fall into place. For instance, the big creepy of this movie is a werewolf but he talks. Now werewolves are not supposed to talk (except Tim wolf because he is in a constant place somewhere between sweet werewolf and Tim) not to mention be so god damn horny that there are three to four times the big creepy gives his hairy meat saber to some very lovely ladies. With all that said this one is OK for a Redbox rental but if you wast your money on buying this its your fault.
Bring It On: In It To Win It
Just two words to say on this one: Hot Cheerleaders!!!
The Amateurs
I need to admit that i rented this one hoping to see some nudity but thankfully did not. You might be wondering why i would say that but in my opinion it would have made the movie cheep. With a ton of what some might call hasbeens but i call stars such as Jeff Bridges, Joe Pantoliano, William Fichtner, Ted Danson, Tim Blake Nelson just to name a few. This movie is so great and well put together that it feels like you are a bystander in the lives of these people. Definitely a gotta watch at least once.
Word from Mr. Blunderson - Bring It On: In It To Win It? Dude, are you serious? I'll concede that there may have been some eye candy there but at the same time you have to ask yourself what the cost of seeing this movie was... and I do not mean the dollar you dropped for it at Redbox.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Review - King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters
by Mr. Blunderson
I have heard of flicks described as "stand up and cheer" movies, but this morning as the final moment of King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters played out I literally jumped off my couch and did a victory dance I reserve specifically for when Devin Hester (Chicago Bears star special teams uber kick returner) runs one back, and that's a big deal. I didn't plan it, it just sort of happened.
King of Kong documents the exploits of Steve Wiebe as he goes up against the records of Billy Mitchell, one of the most iconic figures (and hair cuts) in retro gaming and reigning Donkey Kong champ. In the process it displays a portrait of gamers who have (and I know I'm going to offend with this one) lives beyond their passion for 80's style arcade games, even though it's clear that among the elite some certainly see the sun less than others.
Prepare yourself for and 79 minutes that has it all: heroes, villains, shady conspiracies, a tight knit cadre of old timers who guard the "keys to the kingdom" as it were. There are triumphs and failures and real people I wanted to see come out on top and total douche bags I wanted to see crash and burn. Kong also sports one of the best documentary soundtracks I've heard in years. Not just a bunch of cool songs tossed in for good measure (they are pretty cool) but music that enhances the experience by bringing even more depth and heart to the film.
Forget that this is a documentary, Kong is one of the best movies period from 2007, and certainly will find it's way into my top ten if the world doesn't end before I get around to seeing more movies from last year. I can't believe how invested I became in the story and the characters (okay, only really Mr. Wiebe) as the drama played out.
King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters rates an "oh hells yes" on the Mr. Blunderson scale. I may very well spend the next five days watching this one over and over and over again.
I have heard of flicks described as "stand up and cheer" movies, but this morning as the final moment of King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters played out I literally jumped off my couch and did a victory dance I reserve specifically for when Devin Hester (Chicago Bears star special teams uber kick returner) runs one back, and that's a big deal. I didn't plan it, it just sort of happened.
King of Kong documents the exploits of Steve Wiebe as he goes up against the records of Billy Mitchell, one of the most iconic figures (and hair cuts) in retro gaming and reigning Donkey Kong champ. In the process it displays a portrait of gamers who have (and I know I'm going to offend with this one) lives beyond their passion for 80's style arcade games, even though it's clear that among the elite some certainly see the sun less than others.
Prepare yourself for and 79 minutes that has it all: heroes, villains, shady conspiracies, a tight knit cadre of old timers who guard the "keys to the kingdom" as it were. There are triumphs and failures and real people I wanted to see come out on top and total douche bags I wanted to see crash and burn. Kong also sports one of the best documentary soundtracks I've heard in years. Not just a bunch of cool songs tossed in for good measure (they are pretty cool) but music that enhances the experience by bringing even more depth and heart to the film.
Forget that this is a documentary, Kong is one of the best movies period from 2007, and certainly will find it's way into my top ten if the world doesn't end before I get around to seeing more movies from last year. I can't believe how invested I became in the story and the characters (okay, only really Mr. Wiebe) as the drama played out.
King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters rates an "oh hells yes" on the Mr. Blunderson scale. I may very well spend the next five days watching this one over and over and over again.
Semi Pro
Semi-Pro was... Semi-Funny. Oh yeah. I went there. I am sure other online movie geeks will use that same wording in describing this movie.
If you can, get to this movie soon enough to see the previews. But be forewarned. You may find yourself wishing you could see the movies advertised more than the movie you will have just finished watching. For me, this is Will Ferrell's weakest film. But to his credit, this film would be others best. Problem with Ferrell, for me, is that he has set the bar pretty high with Anchor Man and Talladega Nights being a couple of my favorite comedies.
When I go to see a Ferrell movie. I except to see something I haven't seen before and hear quotable dialog. Instead this is a standard copy paste story with Will Ferrell in many cases playing second banana to Woody Harrelson's character. I didn't even know Harrelson was going to be in this. It is a shame too that his character has to bring down what might have been a funnier movie excluding his redemption story line. The parts I found most amusing were those that included Jackie Earle Haley, of Bad News Bears fame, as Dukes.
In the end I had wished Harrelson's character and story would have been completely cut. It would have made this a funnier and tighter film.
I am not saying this is a bad film. Just not a balls out Will Ferrell comedy.
If you can, get to this movie soon enough to see the previews. But be forewarned. You may find yourself wishing you could see the movies advertised more than the movie you will have just finished watching. For me, this is Will Ferrell's weakest film. But to his credit, this film would be others best. Problem with Ferrell, for me, is that he has set the bar pretty high with Anchor Man and Talladega Nights being a couple of my favorite comedies.
When I go to see a Ferrell movie. I except to see something I haven't seen before and hear quotable dialog. Instead this is a standard copy paste story with Will Ferrell in many cases playing second banana to Woody Harrelson's character. I didn't even know Harrelson was going to be in this. It is a shame too that his character has to bring down what might have been a funnier movie excluding his redemption story line. The parts I found most amusing were those that included Jackie Earle Haley, of Bad News Bears fame, as Dukes.
In the end I had wished Harrelson's character and story would have been completely cut. It would have made this a funnier and tighter film.
I am not saying this is a bad film. Just not a balls out Will Ferrell comedy.
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