But if I can help it, I'm gonna bring this site back.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Review and social Commentary - Bag of Bones
by Mr. Blunderson
Growing up as a child of the 80's I remember when the world practically stopped for the television mini-series. There was always that gradual marketing build up lasting for months gleefully whipping the potential viewing audience into a frenzy. A new mini-series was like Christmas but without the awkward family moments. There was still an issue of naughty or nice as one could not risk missing out by being grounded from the television for the conclusion of V the Final Battle or a single minute of Lonesome Dove or even The Thornbirds if you were one of those lucky children who's parents were away in the evenings.
Missing an episode meant being left out of countless conversations that could go on for days or even weeks. It didn't matter if you were a housewife, steel worker, or even a student at my elementary school in the tiny little town I grew up in. It was all that mattered. If you missed the train you were an outcast.
But something has happened over the last 20 years, something most disturbing and sad. The mini-series doesn't mean shit anymore. Not a damn thing.
Not to imply that every mini-series that comes out these days is horrible. Infact I can think of a handful that seem to be more than worthy of defending if only I had taken the time to watch them.
But why bother? It's a different world. If you miss it you can catch it "On Demand", watch it on your DVR, or god forbid Netflix which is great but all that underlines a massive problem with the technology at our disposal these days.
How inticing can anything be if there is no chance of actually missing out? And if there is no chance of missing anything then the undeniable conclusion is that there is no way you can be a smug little bastard because your parents happened to be cool enough to let you watch Shogun or Masada (by the way, thanks mom and dad, you rocked). It will only be a few days before the rest of your class can torrent it if they hadn't already.
But those days are over, as is the class system that existed based solely on what television you could see and I'll be the first to admit that is most likely a good thing. Full disclosure, I was always close to the bottom. I mean, we just had the TV with rabbit ears and roof top antennae with a handful of local network affiliates and two PBS stations. Sure I can't complain because at least I lived in a house with a functioning TV, even if we needed pliers to change the channel.
Then came the advent of the cable box and the appearance of the elite television bourgeois. God I hated those fuckers. My family didn't get cable until right before I moved out of the house. But the good news is that long before I was old enough to strike out on my own even those cable douche bags had to suck it and kneel before the Zod of an even higher class of TV snobs.
You know of whom I speak... those jerks with the satellite dishes.
But the world has changed. All you really need to level the playing field is have an internet connection. The TV class system has been destroyed (and again, I'm not against that part of it) but with it came some unexpected and earth shattering consequences.
One such victim was the mini-series.
The world no longer has time to stop or even give a damn. We'll catch up on it when we feel the need to care. And when we do we'll probably watch it on our smartphone or tablet computer. Yuck.
The last mini-series I even gave a damn about was The Stand, based on Stephen Kings epic novel telling the tale (quite epically I might add) of the survivors of a virus that quickly wiped out the majority of the population.
I initially enjoyed the adaptation mostly because it starred Lt. Dan and Molly Ringwold (hey I grew up in the 80's I'm still allowed to have a crush on her--I WAS DUCKIE!!!) and because the production was shot for the most part in my tiny corner of the world. Places I drove past every day were suddenly on the TV screen in a very real way (and not in a fake way like Fletch even though I LOVE that movie).
But that was 17 years ago. Being a small brick of nostalgia that supports the memories of my younger years in a good way I have revisited it from time to time. Every time I see it I like it less. With each subsequent viewing I choke on a little more schmaltz. I get to thinking that that director Mick Garris is less of a genius and more of a douche for filling nearly the entire run-time with sappy sentimentality... something that as I grow older I seem to resent more and more especially when it is blatantly manipulative in the cheapest of ways.
You gotta earn that shit.
All of this is a very long way of getting to Bag of Bones, a mini-series (also directed by Garris) on A&E that came and went without me hearing ANYONE mention it except for my wife. We discussed seeing it because we have fond memories of the book, which we both consider among Stephen Kings best.
We TiVo'd it and waited for a good time to watch it. And boy was it worth the wait...
NOT.
Sophomoric scripting, horrible casting (especially Pierce Brosnan... REALLY???) and some of the clunkiest editing I have ever witnessed not to mention some cheap-ass CGI. I saw better CGI in Dragon Wars... no lie. Don't waste your your time, it's a massive steaming pile, which is also how I will rate it on the Mr. Blunderson scale. Do yourself a favor, you want to see a good ghost story, watch The Changeling staring George C Scott. Sure it's dated as hell but it's still a better use of your eyes, brain, ears, AND precious time than the festering bag of shit that A&E produced .
Growing up as a child of the 80's I remember when the world practically stopped for the television mini-series. There was always that gradual marketing build up lasting for months gleefully whipping the potential viewing audience into a frenzy. A new mini-series was like Christmas but without the awkward family moments. There was still an issue of naughty or nice as one could not risk missing out by being grounded from the television for the conclusion of V the Final Battle or a single minute of Lonesome Dove or even The Thornbirds if you were one of those lucky children who's parents were away in the evenings.
Missing an episode meant being left out of countless conversations that could go on for days or even weeks. It didn't matter if you were a housewife, steel worker, or even a student at my elementary school in the tiny little town I grew up in. It was all that mattered. If you missed the train you were an outcast.
But something has happened over the last 20 years, something most disturbing and sad. The mini-series doesn't mean shit anymore. Not a damn thing.
Not to imply that every mini-series that comes out these days is horrible. Infact I can think of a handful that seem to be more than worthy of defending if only I had taken the time to watch them.
But why bother? It's a different world. If you miss it you can catch it "On Demand", watch it on your DVR, or god forbid Netflix which is great but all that underlines a massive problem with the technology at our disposal these days.
How inticing can anything be if there is no chance of actually missing out? And if there is no chance of missing anything then the undeniable conclusion is that there is no way you can be a smug little bastard because your parents happened to be cool enough to let you watch Shogun or Masada (by the way, thanks mom and dad, you rocked). It will only be a few days before the rest of your class can torrent it if they hadn't already.
But those days are over, as is the class system that existed based solely on what television you could see and I'll be the first to admit that is most likely a good thing. Full disclosure, I was always close to the bottom. I mean, we just had the TV with rabbit ears and roof top antennae with a handful of local network affiliates and two PBS stations. Sure I can't complain because at least I lived in a house with a functioning TV, even if we needed pliers to change the channel.
Then came the advent of the cable box and the appearance of the elite television bourgeois. God I hated those fuckers. My family didn't get cable until right before I moved out of the house. But the good news is that long before I was old enough to strike out on my own even those cable douche bags had to suck it and kneel before the Zod of an even higher class of TV snobs.
You know of whom I speak... those jerks with the satellite dishes.
But the world has changed. All you really need to level the playing field is have an internet connection. The TV class system has been destroyed (and again, I'm not against that part of it) but with it came some unexpected and earth shattering consequences.
One such victim was the mini-series.
The world no longer has time to stop or even give a damn. We'll catch up on it when we feel the need to care. And when we do we'll probably watch it on our smartphone or tablet computer. Yuck.
The last mini-series I even gave a damn about was The Stand, based on Stephen Kings epic novel telling the tale (quite epically I might add) of the survivors of a virus that quickly wiped out the majority of the population.
I initially enjoyed the adaptation mostly because it starred Lt. Dan and Molly Ringwold (hey I grew up in the 80's I'm still allowed to have a crush on her--I WAS DUCKIE!!!) and because the production was shot for the most part in my tiny corner of the world. Places I drove past every day were suddenly on the TV screen in a very real way (and not in a fake way like Fletch even though I LOVE that movie).
But that was 17 years ago. Being a small brick of nostalgia that supports the memories of my younger years in a good way I have revisited it from time to time. Every time I see it I like it less. With each subsequent viewing I choke on a little more schmaltz. I get to thinking that that director Mick Garris is less of a genius and more of a douche for filling nearly the entire run-time with sappy sentimentality... something that as I grow older I seem to resent more and more especially when it is blatantly manipulative in the cheapest of ways.
You gotta earn that shit.
All of this is a very long way of getting to Bag of Bones, a mini-series (also directed by Garris) on A&E that came and went without me hearing ANYONE mention it except for my wife. We discussed seeing it because we have fond memories of the book, which we both consider among Stephen Kings best.
We TiVo'd it and waited for a good time to watch it. And boy was it worth the wait...
NOT.
Sophomoric scripting, horrible casting (especially Pierce Brosnan... REALLY???) and some of the clunkiest editing I have ever witnessed not to mention some cheap-ass CGI. I saw better CGI in Dragon Wars... no lie. Don't waste your your time, it's a massive steaming pile, which is also how I will rate it on the Mr. Blunderson scale. Do yourself a favor, you want to see a good ghost story, watch The Changeling staring George C Scott. Sure it's dated as hell but it's still a better use of your eyes, brain, ears, AND precious time than the festering bag of shit that A&E produced .
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Review - C.H.U.D.
by Mr. Blunderson
C.H.U.D. was a flick that shaped the living hell out of my childhood nightmares even though I never saw the movie until today. The idea of Cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers was all I needed to keep me looking over my shoulder and checking behind doors for months. I imagined a manhole cover under my bed with monstrous creatures lurking about. Made a kid who lived in a dark basement bedroom wonder just how much protection a foundation could provide from a monster roaming the tunnels beneath the surface.
Is that why it took more than 25 years to finally watch C.H.U.D.? I can't say for sure. Honestly I can't remember the last time I even gave it a thought (outside of Clerks 2 perhaps) until it showed up as a Netflix suggestion this morning.
That was my first surprise of the day. The second was the fact that I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. I expected it to be some dated cheesy b-movie (which don't get me wrong I love) but was treated to a pretty solid horror movie. Sure there are some holes in the plot and yes the effects are severely dated but even then it was a pretty good watch. Maybe I'm just a sucker for nostalgia, even if it's the kind that takes me back to the days of hoping the blanket defense (keeping as still as possible completely covered in a blanket) would hold up against mutants.
But what is the movie about? People are going missing in the neighborhood. The people that notice are a young Daniel Stern who runs a soup kitchen, a socially conscious photographer played by John Heard, and a cop who's own wife is among those disappeared. Shit starts happening when the Stern and the cop look into the matter themselves.
What follows is a pretty damn good film. Not the unspeakable terrors I imagined but solidly entertaining. I'll give it a why the hell not? on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
C.H.U.D. was a flick that shaped the living hell out of my childhood nightmares even though I never saw the movie until today. The idea of Cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers was all I needed to keep me looking over my shoulder and checking behind doors for months. I imagined a manhole cover under my bed with monstrous creatures lurking about. Made a kid who lived in a dark basement bedroom wonder just how much protection a foundation could provide from a monster roaming the tunnels beneath the surface.
Is that why it took more than 25 years to finally watch C.H.U.D.? I can't say for sure. Honestly I can't remember the last time I even gave it a thought (outside of Clerks 2 perhaps) until it showed up as a Netflix suggestion this morning.
That was my first surprise of the day. The second was the fact that I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. I expected it to be some dated cheesy b-movie (which don't get me wrong I love) but was treated to a pretty solid horror movie. Sure there are some holes in the plot and yes the effects are severely dated but even then it was a pretty good watch. Maybe I'm just a sucker for nostalgia, even if it's the kind that takes me back to the days of hoping the blanket defense (keeping as still as possible completely covered in a blanket) would hold up against mutants.
But what is the movie about? People are going missing in the neighborhood. The people that notice are a young Daniel Stern who runs a soup kitchen, a socially conscious photographer played by John Heard, and a cop who's own wife is among those disappeared. Shit starts happening when the Stern and the cop look into the matter themselves.
What follows is a pretty damn good film. Not the unspeakable terrors I imagined but solidly entertaining. I'll give it a why the hell not? on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Review - Super 8
by Mr. Blunderson
I can visualize a young JJ Abrams seeing ET and thinking "you know what that movie needs? A shit-ton of lens flares!"
I had a great time watching this movie and I loved, LOVED, watching it with my kids but after the first hour every damn lens flare took me out of the picture. In the last 20 minutes it became laughable. I was trying not to ruin it for my family but I couldn't help it. I was being lens flared to death.
That said, I really liked Super 8. There were a couple of things that took me out of the viewing experience that were not lens flare related but I think that if I get into those specifics I might spoil it for the three people who haven't seen it, but I can't live with that on my shoulders.
I'll give Super 8 a Way Decent on the Mr Blunderson scale, but a fair amount of that is because at heart I am a massive sap, and this really did take me. Take out the lens flares and the score would be even better than that.
I can visualize a young JJ Abrams seeing ET and thinking "you know what that movie needs? A shit-ton of lens flares!"
I had a great time watching this movie and I loved, LOVED, watching it with my kids but after the first hour every damn lens flare took me out of the picture. In the last 20 minutes it became laughable. I was trying not to ruin it for my family but I couldn't help it. I was being lens flared to death.
That said, I really liked Super 8. There were a couple of things that took me out of the viewing experience that were not lens flare related but I think that if I get into those specifics I might spoil it for the three people who haven't seen it, but I can't live with that on my shoulders.
I'll give Super 8 a Way Decent on the Mr Blunderson scale, but a fair amount of that is because at heart I am a massive sap, and this really did take me. Take out the lens flares and the score would be even better than that.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Review - Repo Man
by Mr. Blunderson
In the interest of full disclosure this is the first time I have ever seen this movie. How freaking sad is that, right? I've seen clips, heard clips, but never actually done my duty as a human until just now. Pretty pathetic, I know.
God! It feels good to get that off my chest.
All you need to know is that from now on all other movies I review will also be judged against Repo Man, arguably the greatest movie ever made.
What? You don't think that Repo Man is the greatest movie ever made? Well, let us argue about it then.
But in the mean time, Harry Dean Stanton is THE SHIT. You hear me?????
Emelio Estivez is the mad notes, and lays the groundwork to be forgiven for all those Mighty Ducks movies.
Repo Man is a film where a cold hard story of reality and a completely balls off the wall goofy ass science fiction film are told side by side until they collide in a mad climax that can only be seen to be appreciated. In other words, Repo Man gets a clear and definitive Oh Hells Yes! on the Mr. Blunderson Scale.
You feel me?
In the interest of full disclosure this is the first time I have ever seen this movie. How freaking sad is that, right? I've seen clips, heard clips, but never actually done my duty as a human until just now. Pretty pathetic, I know.
God! It feels good to get that off my chest.
All you need to know is that from now on all other movies I review will also be judged against Repo Man, arguably the greatest movie ever made.
What? You don't think that Repo Man is the greatest movie ever made? Well, let us argue about it then.
But in the mean time, Harry Dean Stanton is THE SHIT. You hear me?????
Emelio Estivez is the mad notes, and lays the groundwork to be forgiven for all those Mighty Ducks movies.
Repo Man is a film where a cold hard story of reality and a completely balls off the wall goofy ass science fiction film are told side by side until they collide in a mad climax that can only be seen to be appreciated. In other words, Repo Man gets a clear and definitive Oh Hells Yes! on the Mr. Blunderson Scale.
You feel me?
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Review - Cedar Rapids
by Mr. Blunderson
Cedar Rapids has had an odd "It's a wonderful Life" vibe. Except it didn't have the elaborate back story and no angels. And instead of an alternate reality there's meth, cocaine and hookers. Other than that, the movies are very similar.
not really, but the vibe is there.
Other than that I can only say that Cedar Rapids is not as good as Repo Man. If that makes no sense to you then get the hell off my blog! Liked it, didn't love it, glad I saw it. Cedar Rapids Rates a Why the hell not? on the Mr. Blunderson Scale.
Cedar Rapids has had an odd "It's a wonderful Life" vibe. Except it didn't have the elaborate back story and no angels. And instead of an alternate reality there's meth, cocaine and hookers. Other than that, the movies are very similar.
not really, but the vibe is there.
Other than that I can only say that Cedar Rapids is not as good as Repo Man. If that makes no sense to you then get the hell off my blog! Liked it, didn't love it, glad I saw it. Cedar Rapids Rates a Why the hell not? on the Mr. Blunderson Scale.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Review - Let Me In
by Mr. Blunderson
I hate remakes and since this is a remake of one of my favorite movies in the last few years I was primed to hate the living crap out of this Matt Reeves rehash.
I waited to see Let Me In for a while in order to quell my rage and give the movie a chance... something I rarely do but since recently I have begun to feel like a massive douche for trashing movies on the internet I felt I had to give this film as much of a chance as I could. I owed it to myself.
I really tried.
Which is why it kills me that Reeves ruined it for me in the first 5 minutes.
Opening the film with a scene that occurs later in the story we get a cut to black and a title card that reads "two weeks earlier."
This is the device de jour in film making of late ( and TV for that matter) and people need to just stop. TRY SOMETHING NEW! Just tell the damn story. Drop the gimmicks and give me a well written story with gripping characters and a cohesive plot. That's all I need to enjoy a movie but apparently it is too much to ask.
So Sorry Mr. Reeves, I didn't really like your movie. I don't like remakes and I hated how you started the film.
That said, the damn thing looked great. Fantastic framing, lighting, locations... I really dug it. I found the choices you made on what you left out from the original movie interesting, even though it put more on the shoulders of your child actors... a burden I'm not sure they were quite able to bear, even though they came mighty close.
I was bummed that certain elements of the book were left out once more, although it is fair to say American audiences might not be ready for some of the horrors mentioned in the source material.
This is a story that is full of monsters of nearly every kind. Bullies, murderers, neglectful parents, and yes there is a vampire. The book adds a few more of the most despicable varieties and this rogues gallery allows the viewer to take from it what they want... this could be a movie about childhood angst and loneliness, it could be a movie about divorce, or being bullied, or if you absolutely insist one could take it as a fantastic vampire flick.
Now, I know I didn't love this movie but I applaud Matt Reeves for going as far away from Cloverfield as a person could go, cinematically speaking. And as imperfect as this movie might be it's still a million times better than Twilight could EVER be.
So props Mr. Reeves for making the best movie I will never be able to bring myself to like. Maybe it's not you, it's me... but it was also you for ruining it for me in the first 5 minutes. I'm sorry but that "two weeks earlier" device has been done to death.
But in the end I have to admit that it wasn't all bad. Great cast and I love how this movie oozes of the 80's. And since vampire's have been done such a disservice in media lately (I'm looking at you Mrs. Meyers and CW) I owe it to myself to give Let Me In a WHY NOT? on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
I hate remakes and since this is a remake of one of my favorite movies in the last few years I was primed to hate the living crap out of this Matt Reeves rehash.
I waited to see Let Me In for a while in order to quell my rage and give the movie a chance... something I rarely do but since recently I have begun to feel like a massive douche for trashing movies on the internet I felt I had to give this film as much of a chance as I could. I owed it to myself.
I really tried.
Which is why it kills me that Reeves ruined it for me in the first 5 minutes.
Opening the film with a scene that occurs later in the story we get a cut to black and a title card that reads "two weeks earlier."
This is the device de jour in film making of late ( and TV for that matter) and people need to just stop. TRY SOMETHING NEW! Just tell the damn story. Drop the gimmicks and give me a well written story with gripping characters and a cohesive plot. That's all I need to enjoy a movie but apparently it is too much to ask.
So Sorry Mr. Reeves, I didn't really like your movie. I don't like remakes and I hated how you started the film.
That said, the damn thing looked great. Fantastic framing, lighting, locations... I really dug it. I found the choices you made on what you left out from the original movie interesting, even though it put more on the shoulders of your child actors... a burden I'm not sure they were quite able to bear, even though they came mighty close.
I was bummed that certain elements of the book were left out once more, although it is fair to say American audiences might not be ready for some of the horrors mentioned in the source material.
This is a story that is full of monsters of nearly every kind. Bullies, murderers, neglectful parents, and yes there is a vampire. The book adds a few more of the most despicable varieties and this rogues gallery allows the viewer to take from it what they want... this could be a movie about childhood angst and loneliness, it could be a movie about divorce, or being bullied, or if you absolutely insist one could take it as a fantastic vampire flick.
Now, I know I didn't love this movie but I applaud Matt Reeves for going as far away from Cloverfield as a person could go, cinematically speaking. And as imperfect as this movie might be it's still a million times better than Twilight could EVER be.
So props Mr. Reeves for making the best movie I will never be able to bring myself to like. Maybe it's not you, it's me... but it was also you for ruining it for me in the first 5 minutes. I'm sorry but that "two weeks earlier" device has been done to death.
But in the end I have to admit that it wasn't all bad. Great cast and I love how this movie oozes of the 80's. And since vampire's have been done such a disservice in media lately (I'm looking at you Mrs. Meyers and CW) I owe it to myself to give Let Me In a WHY NOT? on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Review - 2012
Mr. Blunderson
EDIT - 24 hours later I realize that some of my opinions have changed about this movie and I'm not ashamed to admit it. 2012 isn't nearly as good as I made it out to be.
My only regret is that the world didn't end before I saw this movie. Now I want it to end. The movie, the world, and the lives of the people who made it.
No that's not fair, there are probably a lot of decent people who worked on this movie. But Roland Emmerich needs to be tied up and launched into space in a rocket headed straight for the sun before he is able to put his slimy man fingers down the panties of The Foundation... one of the few books in this world I consider holy.
And you wonder why I'm an atheist...
2012 is filled with more cliches than a Michael Bay flick and Roland Emmerich seems to be riding his Independence Day formula harder than I ride my fleshlight... that is, if I had a fleshlight... god I need a fleshlight.
And while we're at it, let's take the biggest possible shit we can on science... another point that distresses me over The Foundation adaptation.
What really distresses me is that this movie made three quarters of a billion dollars. That means people watched the shit out of this shit. IT BOGGLES THE MIND! I get watching this movie once accidentally, not knowing any better. But are you fucking kidding me? There's dumb and then there's 2012 dumb. The cinematic evolution beyond this film is for someone to show up at my house and literally shit into my eyeballs and piss into my ears. Piss in THX, now that will be something to behold while I'm being befouled.
If you can't tell I'm writing this as I'm watching the film... At one hour and nine minutes all I can say is I hope there are more scenes of people driving or flying just slightly faster than natural disasters.
wow this dialogue and plot just get worse and worse... NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
"this is one flight he shouldn't have been late for."
Kill me now!
"The director of the Louvre was an enemy of humanity???"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Close your eyes and think back to when you saw Independence Day the first time. Remember the scene in the first few minutes that took place at the radio telescopes where REM's "End of the World as we know it" was playing in the background and you chuckled because you had seen the trailers of the movie and you knew the end of the world as we knew it was coming... remember that chuckle? remember that moment? I'm about and hour and thirteen minutes into 2012 and there must have been at least 10 moments that were basically that same gag.
1:15 - Holy crap, it's like he's recycling moments from previous movies. At least Mr. Emmerich is working green.
1:16 - This movie is so bad it makes me wish I was watching The Happening.
1:16 - Wow, it looks as if we're going to see yet another scene (this will be the third in less than 30 minutes) of people in a vehicle outrunning a natural disaster of some sort. Wow this movie is really pulling out all the stops. (/sarcasm)
1:17 - Any bets that the cars are going to have to be jettisoned? Will the plane get too heavy? Or will it be something much worse?
1:17 - This is the third time in the movie we see a plane taxing down a crumbling runway. It has gotten so bad now I wish I was watching Lady in the Water.
1:19 - I liked this movie a lot better when it was called Deep Impact. At least that movie had some mutherfucking John Favreau. Comet impact, baby! You're money and you don't even know it.
1:23 - Stop talking!!!!!!!!!
1:26 - Chiwetel Ejiofor is a fucking great actor. I'll give you that. You were the bees balls in Serenity.
1:30 - The heads of state who stayed behind are being wiped out by SCIENCE!!!! It can't be God cause the Italian head of state decided to trust in prayer... what else could it be. My brain is being fucked in the ass by this movie... good crap my brain ass sure is raw.
1:31 - What I am most thankful for in this particular narrative is that there is not a situation that arises that doesn't have a graphic computer simulation to show us what will happen before it happens... I hope the guys that programmed those are on the ships cause you know they put in a shit-ton of work before the apocalypse.
1:33 - Liked it better in The Poseidon Adventure. That mutherfucker had Hackman, Borgnine, AND Roddy McDowwell. Now that's an all-star cast.
1:35 - White House and President Glover being smooshed by a Tsunami AND and air-craft carrier... we are all dumber for having witnessed this... especially me.
1:41 - The Earth's crust shifted a thousand miles for the convenience of the plot.
1:42 - I was sort of wrong about the cars, I can see that, but this is much much dumber than I had feared. Also, are there still people out there who believe that there are ANY levers on any sort of plane that depend on your sheer strength to operate them?
1:47 - FUCK this movie.
1:53 - If only they had a car, they could have escaped the tidal wave... if only...
2:04 - They're trying to tug at the heart strings, but they're pulling at the one attached to my colon.
2:05 - Goodbye Gordon... your death is going to very convenient in terms of character resolution. This is the final boarding call for the SS Easy way out with stops in predictable endings, serious lack of originality, and neat little packages.
2:09 - Wow, he's got an I-pad. This really is the worst movie ever.
2:12 - People are drowning. I'm drowning in a puddle of my own misery.
2:15 - Pulling on my colon strings AGAIN.
2:18 - It's a damn good thing they have cameras in the spot they might have a hydraulics failure. Too bad they spent all their money on waterproof cameras and not mountain proof boats.
2:20 - but they already killed the new and better fake dad so you know they won't kill off old bad/redeemed real dad. Not really.
2:23 - Wow, people are more happy that some guy that was involved with the cause of their ship malfunctioning surviving than they were in not hitting the mountain...
2:29 - Worst. Closing. Credits Song. Period. I just barfed a bunch.
That's it. The end. I can't unsee this movie but I will give 2012 a "fuck this shit!" on the Mr. Blunderson scale, and that's being generous.
EDIT - 24 hours later I realize that some of my opinions have changed about this movie and I'm not ashamed to admit it. 2012 isn't nearly as good as I made it out to be.
My only regret is that the world didn't end before I saw this movie. Now I want it to end. The movie, the world, and the lives of the people who made it.
No that's not fair, there are probably a lot of decent people who worked on this movie. But Roland Emmerich needs to be tied up and launched into space in a rocket headed straight for the sun before he is able to put his slimy man fingers down the panties of The Foundation... one of the few books in this world I consider holy.
And you wonder why I'm an atheist...
2012 is filled with more cliches than a Michael Bay flick and Roland Emmerich seems to be riding his Independence Day formula harder than I ride my fleshlight... that is, if I had a fleshlight... god I need a fleshlight.
And while we're at it, let's take the biggest possible shit we can on science... another point that distresses me over The Foundation adaptation.
What really distresses me is that this movie made three quarters of a billion dollars. That means people watched the shit out of this shit. IT BOGGLES THE MIND! I get watching this movie once accidentally, not knowing any better. But are you fucking kidding me? There's dumb and then there's 2012 dumb. The cinematic evolution beyond this film is for someone to show up at my house and literally shit into my eyeballs and piss into my ears. Piss in THX, now that will be something to behold while I'm being befouled.
If you can't tell I'm writing this as I'm watching the film... At one hour and nine minutes all I can say is I hope there are more scenes of people driving or flying just slightly faster than natural disasters.
wow this dialogue and plot just get worse and worse... NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
"this is one flight he shouldn't have been late for."
Kill me now!
"The director of the Louvre was an enemy of humanity???"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Close your eyes and think back to when you saw Independence Day the first time. Remember the scene in the first few minutes that took place at the radio telescopes where REM's "End of the World as we know it" was playing in the background and you chuckled because you had seen the trailers of the movie and you knew the end of the world as we knew it was coming... remember that chuckle? remember that moment? I'm about and hour and thirteen minutes into 2012 and there must have been at least 10 moments that were basically that same gag.
1:15 - Holy crap, it's like he's recycling moments from previous movies. At least Mr. Emmerich is working green.
1:16 - This movie is so bad it makes me wish I was watching The Happening.
1:16 - Wow, it looks as if we're going to see yet another scene (this will be the third in less than 30 minutes) of people in a vehicle outrunning a natural disaster of some sort. Wow this movie is really pulling out all the stops. (/sarcasm)
1:17 - Any bets that the cars are going to have to be jettisoned? Will the plane get too heavy? Or will it be something much worse?
1:17 - This is the third time in the movie we see a plane taxing down a crumbling runway. It has gotten so bad now I wish I was watching Lady in the Water.
1:19 - I liked this movie a lot better when it was called Deep Impact. At least that movie had some mutherfucking John Favreau. Comet impact, baby! You're money and you don't even know it.
1:23 - Stop talking!!!!!!!!!
1:26 - Chiwetel Ejiofor is a fucking great actor. I'll give you that. You were the bees balls in Serenity.
1:30 - The heads of state who stayed behind are being wiped out by SCIENCE!!!! It can't be God cause the Italian head of state decided to trust in prayer... what else could it be. My brain is being fucked in the ass by this movie... good crap my brain ass sure is raw.
1:31 - What I am most thankful for in this particular narrative is that there is not a situation that arises that doesn't have a graphic computer simulation to show us what will happen before it happens... I hope the guys that programmed those are on the ships cause you know they put in a shit-ton of work before the apocalypse.
1:33 - Liked it better in The Poseidon Adventure. That mutherfucker had Hackman, Borgnine, AND Roddy McDowwell. Now that's an all-star cast.
1:35 - White House and President Glover being smooshed by a Tsunami AND and air-craft carrier... we are all dumber for having witnessed this... especially me.
1:41 - The Earth's crust shifted a thousand miles for the convenience of the plot.
1:42 - I was sort of wrong about the cars, I can see that, but this is much much dumber than I had feared. Also, are there still people out there who believe that there are ANY levers on any sort of plane that depend on your sheer strength to operate them?
1:47 - FUCK this movie.
1:53 - If only they had a car, they could have escaped the tidal wave... if only...
2:04 - They're trying to tug at the heart strings, but they're pulling at the one attached to my colon.
2:05 - Goodbye Gordon... your death is going to very convenient in terms of character resolution. This is the final boarding call for the SS Easy way out with stops in predictable endings, serious lack of originality, and neat little packages.
2:09 - Wow, he's got an I-pad. This really is the worst movie ever.
2:12 - People are drowning. I'm drowning in a puddle of my own misery.
2:15 - Pulling on my colon strings AGAIN.
2:18 - It's a damn good thing they have cameras in the spot they might have a hydraulics failure. Too bad they spent all their money on waterproof cameras and not mountain proof boats.
2:20 - but they already killed the new and better fake dad so you know they won't kill off old bad/redeemed real dad. Not really.
2:23 - Wow, people are more happy that some guy that was involved with the cause of their ship malfunctioning surviving than they were in not hitting the mountain...
2:29 - Worst. Closing. Credits Song. Period. I just barfed a bunch.
That's it. The end. I can't unsee this movie but I will give 2012 a "fuck this shit!" on the Mr. Blunderson scale, and that's being generous.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Review - THE WILD & WONDERFUL WHITES OF WEST VIRGINIA
by Mr. Blunderson
I had to write this review today because I've written two rather negative reviews lately and had to prove to myself that I didn't start this site just to crap on movies on the internet. In truth I really didn't. It just turns out it's a little addicting.
But that means nothing at the moment since I LOVED this movie, a documentary following the descendants of D. Ray white, mountain dancer. Members of the White family are infamous in their little corner of the world. Larger than life, the stuff of legend and country songs.
You'll see it ain't always easy to be a White, but it ain't all bad neither. But when it is bad, it's pretty fucking awful. Whether it's waiting for your sentencing for attempted murder or having your baby taken away by the State or huntin down your no-account bastard cheating ex.
The White's don't make any excuses or apologies for who or what they are. It's made clear early on they aren't just a family they're a force of nature. When they come rollin your way you'd best step aside, run for cover, or put em in a song... You can't stop this train.
I've seen a lot of movies that promised sex drugs and rock n roll, but this one unflinchingly delivers not only on those promises but the stark and sometimes brutal aftermath as well.
You can take this movie a whole lot ways I suppose, but it really does have everything. Booze, weed, pill poppin, drugs snorted, drugs snorted off toilets, bowling, music, birth, death, reconciliation, redemption, fightin, carousin, mayhem...in, they even got a little kid who's a real life version of the Ricky Bobby's two sons in Talledega Nights.
The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia reminds us all that life can make you hard, choices can wreck you in an instant, people can say and think what they want, but at the end of the day you're going to be who you are and you can't spend any time being ashamed of that. That's why I give this movie an "Oh Hells yes!" on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
I had to write this review today because I've written two rather negative reviews lately and had to prove to myself that I didn't start this site just to crap on movies on the internet. In truth I really didn't. It just turns out it's a little addicting.
But that means nothing at the moment since I LOVED this movie, a documentary following the descendants of D. Ray white, mountain dancer. Members of the White family are infamous in their little corner of the world. Larger than life, the stuff of legend and country songs.
You'll see it ain't always easy to be a White, but it ain't all bad neither. But when it is bad, it's pretty fucking awful. Whether it's waiting for your sentencing for attempted murder or having your baby taken away by the State or huntin down your no-account bastard cheating ex.
The White's don't make any excuses or apologies for who or what they are. It's made clear early on they aren't just a family they're a force of nature. When they come rollin your way you'd best step aside, run for cover, or put em in a song... You can't stop this train.
I've seen a lot of movies that promised sex drugs and rock n roll, but this one unflinchingly delivers not only on those promises but the stark and sometimes brutal aftermath as well.
You can take this movie a whole lot ways I suppose, but it really does have everything. Booze, weed, pill poppin, drugs snorted, drugs snorted off toilets, bowling, music, birth, death, reconciliation, redemption, fightin, carousin, mayhem...in, they even got a little kid who's a real life version of the Ricky Bobby's two sons in Talledega Nights.
The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia reminds us all that life can make you hard, choices can wreck you in an instant, people can say and think what they want, but at the end of the day you're going to be who you are and you can't spend any time being ashamed of that. That's why I give this movie an "Oh Hells yes!" on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
Review - UNTHINKABLE
by Mr. Blunderson
I knew Unthinkable was tense at the 43 minutes mark when the "duh duh duh duh" thrilling music kicked in. Before that moment, there is a whole lot of talk. After that there is more talk, and then finally some more.
Did I mention the torture?
Not like Hostel torture, but it is present and gruesome in it's own right. I suppose it's a necessary evil as this movie is a big ole morality tale about torturing prisoners for information. Did I say prisoners? I meant terrorists. And does that make us terrorists ourselves?
It's a heavy question and in Unthinkable it is dealt with on all sides by a very heavy hand. It helps that some of the blows are being dealt by Samuel L Jackson. If only the other side could have countered with a champion in the same weight class. I don't think Carrie-Anne Moss was always up to the challenge. She does offer a stark contrast to Jackson's tough as nails mysterious government contractor in her role as the female FBI agent who is all about following protocol and upholding the constitution, but sometimes that wasn't enough. You need a real bad ass to go toe to toe with Sam Jackson. No question about it.
Did I say Agent? I meant Special Agent. People don't make movies about agents, now do they?
A terrorist has three nuclear bombs hidden in three locations in the United States. He is in your custody and you have a few days to extract that information from him. What are you going to do? Torture? Don't torture? "Enhanced" interrogation? At what point have you gone too far? Morally comprised much? What side are you on? Is either side completely right or wrong? Although Unthinkable raises the questions ultimately it doesn't bring any answers.
My concern is that the characters who were against and disgusted by torture compromised their values time and time again here while the other side was pretty much a rock in his position. In the end when the lines are finally drawn in the sand the side against torture has already backpedaled enough the stand they take for justice is way too little too late.
Did I like the movie? Naw, I guess I didn't. I can appreciate the fact that Mr. Jackson never asked where "the mutherfuckin bombs" were, but then again he did say "Military Intelligence, the great oxymoron."
Right. I get it.
Another thing that bummed me out is there were a bunch of characters established early on that just get tossed aside. I speak of the FBI team including the likes of Brandon Routhe, Gill Bellows and Joshua Harto... underused and then completely lost... blows my mind.
Being a post 9/11 world, this is the 21st century version of a cold war fable. But a true fable has a moral lesson and clear message. I might be splitting hairs since a real fable also features anthropomorphized animals...
But I digress.
It may be that in this world, that lack of clarity--the blurring between what is just and what is needed--is our greatest obstacle and the side we ultimately take and the choices we make will define us as a society. If that's the case, then Unthinkable illustrates that conundrum all to well so I will give it a "why not?" on the Mr. Blunderson scale as there are certainly worse ways spend an hour and a half.
I knew Unthinkable was tense at the 43 minutes mark when the "duh duh duh duh" thrilling music kicked in. Before that moment, there is a whole lot of talk. After that there is more talk, and then finally some more.
Did I mention the torture?
Not like Hostel torture, but it is present and gruesome in it's own right. I suppose it's a necessary evil as this movie is a big ole morality tale about torturing prisoners for information. Did I say prisoners? I meant terrorists. And does that make us terrorists ourselves?
It's a heavy question and in Unthinkable it is dealt with on all sides by a very heavy hand. It helps that some of the blows are being dealt by Samuel L Jackson. If only the other side could have countered with a champion in the same weight class. I don't think Carrie-Anne Moss was always up to the challenge. She does offer a stark contrast to Jackson's tough as nails mysterious government contractor in her role as the female FBI agent who is all about following protocol and upholding the constitution, but sometimes that wasn't enough. You need a real bad ass to go toe to toe with Sam Jackson. No question about it.
Did I say Agent? I meant Special Agent. People don't make movies about agents, now do they?
A terrorist has three nuclear bombs hidden in three locations in the United States. He is in your custody and you have a few days to extract that information from him. What are you going to do? Torture? Don't torture? "Enhanced" interrogation? At what point have you gone too far? Morally comprised much? What side are you on? Is either side completely right or wrong? Although Unthinkable raises the questions ultimately it doesn't bring any answers.
My concern is that the characters who were against and disgusted by torture compromised their values time and time again here while the other side was pretty much a rock in his position. In the end when the lines are finally drawn in the sand the side against torture has already backpedaled enough the stand they take for justice is way too little too late.
Did I like the movie? Naw, I guess I didn't. I can appreciate the fact that Mr. Jackson never asked where "the mutherfuckin bombs" were, but then again he did say "Military Intelligence, the great oxymoron."
Right. I get it.
Another thing that bummed me out is there were a bunch of characters established early on that just get tossed aside. I speak of the FBI team including the likes of Brandon Routhe, Gill Bellows and Joshua Harto... underused and then completely lost... blows my mind.
Being a post 9/11 world, this is the 21st century version of a cold war fable. But a true fable has a moral lesson and clear message. I might be splitting hairs since a real fable also features anthropomorphized animals...
But I digress.
It may be that in this world, that lack of clarity--the blurring between what is just and what is needed--is our greatest obstacle and the side we ultimately take and the choices we make will define us as a society. If that's the case, then Unthinkable illustrates that conundrum all to well so I will give it a "why not?" on the Mr. Blunderson scale as there are certainly worse ways spend an hour and a half.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Review - FROZEN
by Mr. Blunderson
(spoilers)
Adam Green's Frozen illustrates everything that is wrong with winter. It's cold and wet out there and who the hell needs that, right? And you wonder why I never want to leave the house. I don't like heights. I don't like being out in the snow. I don't even really like being outside. On those factors alone this movie could be terrifying to a guy like me.
That said, Frozen was a little uneven. It was predictable in the sense that it was clear from the outset who was going to bite it first. It was the classic "third wheel formula that leaves the characters being at the greatest odds to survive the longest" because that tension/dynamic is interesting... so they tell me. And that's exactly how it played out here. It was also clear who was going to survive. It's the old "person who has the least experience/business surviving is the last man standing" device. I'm not saying it couldn't happen, only that I would have enjoyed the experience of watching this movie a lot more if it had deviated from those formulas.
As a caveat, I might have enjoyed this movie even with those those two aforementioned formulas if it had taken them and really swung for the fences with them. Maybe gone a little darker with a characters, or bleaker, or deeper... you get the idea.
Another beef I had was the fact that I didn't care much for these three people so I wasn't really invested in hoping they would survive. Honestly, I'm kind of sad they didn't all get eaten by a bear. Of course, bears generally hibernate during the winter because it's cold and wet out there and that just goes to show you that bears are fucking smart.
But I digress. There are no bears in this movie.
There is a pack of wolves though. I think it's really smart to hang around a ski resort if you are wolves hungry for human flesh. Lot of people falling down and whatnot. Easy pickins, right?
Just an observation.
The characters didn't quite land for me. I don't insist on everyone in every movie I watch being likable all the time, I am a realist. But when it came down to it I just couldn't get behind these three. Maybe I don't have to. Maybe no one does. But if even one of them could have connected with something in my brain just a tiny bit more this movie would have been riveting instead of feeling (broken record, sir) uneven.
What was good about this movie? Frozen has some moments of spectacular tension, a few cringe inducing visuals, and the snow itself is incredibly convincing. Overall this one is so close to being great but falls just a little short. The premise is brilliant, there are some excellent moments that were quite gripping. The worst thing about Frozen is that I seem to have written this review in one of those moods where saying anything nice is like chewing glass... I can't bring myself to do it.
Oh yes I can.
The cinematography was pretty damn good. Green's visuals heightened the sense of isolation and acrophobia (that's fear of heights, fellow jerks) and it didn't hurt that he shot the film in the greatest snow on earth (Ski Utah. Suck it everywhere else.)
All in all Frozen is better than bad so I give it a "why the hell not?" on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
(spoilers)
Adam Green's Frozen illustrates everything that is wrong with winter. It's cold and wet out there and who the hell needs that, right? And you wonder why I never want to leave the house. I don't like heights. I don't like being out in the snow. I don't even really like being outside. On those factors alone this movie could be terrifying to a guy like me.
That said, Frozen was a little uneven. It was predictable in the sense that it was clear from the outset who was going to bite it first. It was the classic "third wheel formula that leaves the characters being at the greatest odds to survive the longest" because that tension/dynamic is interesting... so they tell me. And that's exactly how it played out here. It was also clear who was going to survive. It's the old "person who has the least experience/business surviving is the last man standing" device. I'm not saying it couldn't happen, only that I would have enjoyed the experience of watching this movie a lot more if it had deviated from those formulas.
As a caveat, I might have enjoyed this movie even with those those two aforementioned formulas if it had taken them and really swung for the fences with them. Maybe gone a little darker with a characters, or bleaker, or deeper... you get the idea.
Another beef I had was the fact that I didn't care much for these three people so I wasn't really invested in hoping they would survive. Honestly, I'm kind of sad they didn't all get eaten by a bear. Of course, bears generally hibernate during the winter because it's cold and wet out there and that just goes to show you that bears are fucking smart.
But I digress. There are no bears in this movie.
There is a pack of wolves though. I think it's really smart to hang around a ski resort if you are wolves hungry for human flesh. Lot of people falling down and whatnot. Easy pickins, right?
Just an observation.
The characters didn't quite land for me. I don't insist on everyone in every movie I watch being likable all the time, I am a realist. But when it came down to it I just couldn't get behind these three. Maybe I don't have to. Maybe no one does. But if even one of them could have connected with something in my brain just a tiny bit more this movie would have been riveting instead of feeling (broken record, sir) uneven.
What was good about this movie? Frozen has some moments of spectacular tension, a few cringe inducing visuals, and the snow itself is incredibly convincing. Overall this one is so close to being great but falls just a little short. The premise is brilliant, there are some excellent moments that were quite gripping. The worst thing about Frozen is that I seem to have written this review in one of those moods where saying anything nice is like chewing glass... I can't bring myself to do it.
Oh yes I can.
The cinematography was pretty damn good. Green's visuals heightened the sense of isolation and acrophobia (that's fear of heights, fellow jerks) and it didn't hurt that he shot the film in the greatest snow on earth (Ski Utah. Suck it everywhere else.)
All in all Frozen is better than bad so I give it a "why the hell not?" on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Review - Jennifer's Body
by Mr. Blunderson
Is there anything worse than an online movie jerk trashing a flick long after it's crashed and burned at the box office? In the grand scale probably (disease, pestilence, wars, etc.). That said, I'm not sure I can avoid that trap but I'll do the best I can.
First of all I will admit I had several problems with this movie before I ever watched it. These "problems" are biases, which indeed keep me from being a real critic (that and a bunch of other things, sure). Because being a true critic involves a lot more than having an opinion, a keyboard, and a position at "Ain't It Cool News." I know my bio says "the agoraphobic film critic" but that's just because I like the sound of it, the way it rolls off the tongue. I'm not a critic. I'm an asshole with a computer and an internet connection who should probably spend my free time doing just about anything else. But since I don't... well here we go.
First of all, I don't like Megan Fox. I don't find her sexy and I don't want to pay to see her in a movie. Second, I'm already tired of the "wow look at me I'm Diablo Cody I'm so clever and witty blah blah blah." I look forward to looking back at her body of work in 10 years or so and seeing if that is indeed the case.
On the other hand, I wanted to like this movie. Why? Because so many of my favorite movies are horror/comedies. I am one of those rare individuals that can stomach this mysteriously inaccessible genre. In fact, in a sick way I relish that horror/Comedy isn't more popular at the box office which keeps it from becoming tired and and overdone. There is a side of me that wishes people would get over themselves and realize just how fun a movie is that is generally horrific and funny (or vice versa for that matter).
These opposing biases certainly didn't balance each other out but clearly I wasn't completely against Jennifer's Body. Or am I fooling myself?
On to the actual movie - Jennifer's Body tells the story of a high school cheerleader that disappears with a band after a disastrous performance only to reappear later that night possibly possessed by a demon with a bold appetite.
Jennifer's best friend Needy (haha get it?) is then forced to deal not only with the drastic change in the relationship with her life-long friend but also the clear implications of demonic possession as high school boys are being killed, mutilated, and partially eaten.
Since this is a Diablo Cody screenplay, there are all sorts of witty repartee, clever pop-cultural references and incendiary observations. I'd be lying if I said some of the lines didn't make me chuckle, but for every line that made me smile there were five that felt forced and contrived.
The overall experience left me wanting more of everything it could have offered. I would have liked for it to have been funnier, sexier, horror... ier, but sadly the movie doesn't have the balls to push any of those barriers, instead choosing to play it safe resulting in a film that ultimately isn't as interesting or as fun as it would like to be.
Also, why is it that the dowdy friend is sexier than the so-called bomb-shell lead? And here is another movie written by a woman that actually sets feminism back instead of pushing beyond the tired Hollywood BS. I'm sorry, I'm already sick of Diablo Cody. Go away please and take your one-trick pony with you. PS Diablo, I deleted you as a MySpace friend you pretentious sack of pop culture crap.
Jennifer's Body, released on DVD this week, is barely worth a viewing, which is why I rate it a "don't bother" on the Mr. Blunderson Scale.
Is there anything worse than an online movie jerk trashing a flick long after it's crashed and burned at the box office? In the grand scale probably (disease, pestilence, wars, etc.). That said, I'm not sure I can avoid that trap but I'll do the best I can.
First of all I will admit I had several problems with this movie before I ever watched it. These "problems" are biases, which indeed keep me from being a real critic (that and a bunch of other things, sure). Because being a true critic involves a lot more than having an opinion, a keyboard, and a position at "Ain't It Cool News." I know my bio says "the agoraphobic film critic" but that's just because I like the sound of it, the way it rolls off the tongue. I'm not a critic. I'm an asshole with a computer and an internet connection who should probably spend my free time doing just about anything else. But since I don't... well here we go.
First of all, I don't like Megan Fox. I don't find her sexy and I don't want to pay to see her in a movie. Second, I'm already tired of the "wow look at me I'm Diablo Cody I'm so clever and witty blah blah blah." I look forward to looking back at her body of work in 10 years or so and seeing if that is indeed the case.
On the other hand, I wanted to like this movie. Why? Because so many of my favorite movies are horror/comedies. I am one of those rare individuals that can stomach this mysteriously inaccessible genre. In fact, in a sick way I relish that horror/Comedy isn't more popular at the box office which keeps it from becoming tired and and overdone. There is a side of me that wishes people would get over themselves and realize just how fun a movie is that is generally horrific and funny (or vice versa for that matter).
These opposing biases certainly didn't balance each other out but clearly I wasn't completely against Jennifer's Body. Or am I fooling myself?
On to the actual movie - Jennifer's Body tells the story of a high school cheerleader that disappears with a band after a disastrous performance only to reappear later that night possibly possessed by a demon with a bold appetite.
Jennifer's best friend Needy (haha get it?) is then forced to deal not only with the drastic change in the relationship with her life-long friend but also the clear implications of demonic possession as high school boys are being killed, mutilated, and partially eaten.
Since this is a Diablo Cody screenplay, there are all sorts of witty repartee, clever pop-cultural references and incendiary observations. I'd be lying if I said some of the lines didn't make me chuckle, but for every line that made me smile there were five that felt forced and contrived.
The overall experience left me wanting more of everything it could have offered. I would have liked for it to have been funnier, sexier, horror... ier, but sadly the movie doesn't have the balls to push any of those barriers, instead choosing to play it safe resulting in a film that ultimately isn't as interesting or as fun as it would like to be.
Also, why is it that the dowdy friend is sexier than the so-called bomb-shell lead? And here is another movie written by a woman that actually sets feminism back instead of pushing beyond the tired Hollywood BS. I'm sorry, I'm already sick of Diablo Cody. Go away please and take your one-trick pony with you. PS Diablo, I deleted you as a MySpace friend you pretentious sack of pop culture crap.
Jennifer's Body, released on DVD this week, is barely worth a viewing, which is why I rate it a "don't bother" on the Mr. Blunderson Scale.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Push - Review
by Mr. Blunderson
This is the first movie that made me envy the dead, in that they didn't have to watch this horrible movie. And that's all I'm saying about that. Please don't bother, this movie is complete and total suck.
This is the first movie that made me envy the dead, in that they didn't have to watch this horrible movie. And that's all I'm saying about that. Please don't bother, this movie is complete and total suck.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Review - Twilight
by Mr. Blunderson
Are you kidding me??? Seriously? People like this dreck?
I apologize. If you like this movie I'll try not to insult you but come on! This is not a good movie. It's a horrible vampire movie and it didn't even feel like it rose to the level of mediocre teen romance as far as I'm concerned.
I think it's hysterical that the last review I posted was for a far superior teen vampire movie although that movie is certainly not for kids or anyone without a little patience I'll admit.
Baseball?? Seriously? Muse??? Really?
Instead of picking it apart, I'm just going to say that the story was predictable and the acting was bad and the action was lame and the last five minutes of this film needed the actual apology from Bella to her father. It wouldn't have saved the movie but it would have been a good start.
Twilight did inspire an all new rating on the Mr. Blunderson Scale. The dredded "Blech."
Are you kidding me??? Seriously? People like this dreck?
I apologize. If you like this movie I'll try not to insult you but come on! This is not a good movie. It's a horrible vampire movie and it didn't even feel like it rose to the level of mediocre teen romance as far as I'm concerned.
I think it's hysterical that the last review I posted was for a far superior teen vampire movie although that movie is certainly not for kids or anyone without a little patience I'll admit.
Baseball?? Seriously? Muse??? Really?
Instead of picking it apart, I'm just going to say that the story was predictable and the acting was bad and the action was lame and the last five minutes of this film needed the actual apology from Bella to her father. It wouldn't have saved the movie but it would have been a good start.
Twilight did inspire an all new rating on the Mr. Blunderson Scale. The dredded "Blech."
Monday, May 18, 2009
Review - Let The Right One In
by Mr Blunderson
Vampire movies have started to really suck. Yes I'm sorry but it's true. Vampires have a long and rich history in cinema and it pains me to see one of the classic movie monsters reduced to sensitive sparkly angst ridden teenagers. There has been a great deal of web chatter regarding a little sweedish vampire movie, so when I saw it on the rental shelf I didn't hesitate even a little bit.
Let the right one in is a movie that takes it's time unfolding it's tale about a lonely boy, bullied by classmates, befriended by a lonely vampire. It's pacing is very slow and might not appeal to the whiz-bang masses but at it's core is a very excellent story and characters with a great deal of depth.
I enjoyed nearly everything about this movie. The performances were solid, the music was great, and the respect for vampire lore makes it that much better. Sometimes for a movie like this to feel new and interesting it helps to embrace it's roots.
Let the right one in is creepy, brutal, disturbing, deliberate as hell, and one of the best vampire movies made in a very long time which is why I rate it an Oh Hells Yes on the Mr. Blunderson scale. And if you don't like it, you suck.
Vampire movies have started to really suck. Yes I'm sorry but it's true. Vampires have a long and rich history in cinema and it pains me to see one of the classic movie monsters reduced to sensitive sparkly angst ridden teenagers. There has been a great deal of web chatter regarding a little sweedish vampire movie, so when I saw it on the rental shelf I didn't hesitate even a little bit.
Let the right one in is a movie that takes it's time unfolding it's tale about a lonely boy, bullied by classmates, befriended by a lonely vampire. It's pacing is very slow and might not appeal to the whiz-bang masses but at it's core is a very excellent story and characters with a great deal of depth.
I enjoyed nearly everything about this movie. The performances were solid, the music was great, and the respect for vampire lore makes it that much better. Sometimes for a movie like this to feel new and interesting it helps to embrace it's roots.
Let the right one in is creepy, brutal, disturbing, deliberate as hell, and one of the best vampire movies made in a very long time which is why I rate it an Oh Hells Yes on the Mr. Blunderson scale. And if you don't like it, you suck.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Review - Choke
by Mr. Blunderson
From where I sit, if there was an element missing from the novel that served as the basis for this film, an early effort by Mr. Chuck Palahniuk, it would be heart. Of course, in the book, it doesn't really have a place for it. Maybe the book has heart and I missed it. Perhaps it is there but it is just a really, really dark heart.
And then comes the question of the adaptation. Writer/Director Clark Gregg takes a departure from the book in many ways but manages to keep enough of the original voice that the end result feels like a great success. According to the extra features, this direction was not only supported by the original author, but highly encouraged. I can't help but think that Palahniuk lucked out when the material fell into the hands of someone who was able to avoid the trappings of so many adaptations (changing the characters names, core relationships, etc).
Choke as a film is an example of a guy who obviously GOT the novel. He understood it. He took the time (years and years) to get the script right, and managed to put enough but not too much of his own voice in.
And it works.
It's beautiful, it's dark and dirty as hell, and the end reult is a fine little movie.
I know there are people who love this book and will be turned off by the fact that the film is not as deeply satirical and dark as the source, but there is a fine line between a too-faithful adaptation and a completely off the rails clusterfuck that Gregg is able to walk long enough to make a believer out of this jaded SOB (that is indeed me I am referring to).
The cast is phenomenal. Sam Rockwell once again demonstrates his superlative and subtle talents that convince me that no one else in this world could have been Victor Mancini. Anjelica Huston brings Victors mother to life in a way that to me felt so much more multi-dimensional than the character in the book (whom I despised, not that it matters). But the best part of this cast for me was Denny, played by Brad William Henke, a character who manages to serve as a moral compass in a film that seems to have no morals at all.
My favorite character by far though was Lord High Charlie, played by Gregg himself. Mostly because the name Lord High Charlie still cracks me up, but also because I think I work with the true life retail equivalent of this guy. Seriously.
After all this you wonder what the hell this movie is about? Well...
Victor (Rockwell) is a med school drop out and, colonial reenactor AND sex addict who scams unsuspecting diners in restaurants in order to pay the bills for his mothers care in a nuthouse. And from there, the story gets a little weird. It's irreverent, it's disturbing, but when the credits rolled the only thing I wanted to do was watch it again. So I did.
Choke gets a resounding Oh hells yes on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
From where I sit, if there was an element missing from the novel that served as the basis for this film, an early effort by Mr. Chuck Palahniuk, it would be heart. Of course, in the book, it doesn't really have a place for it. Maybe the book has heart and I missed it. Perhaps it is there but it is just a really, really dark heart.
And then comes the question of the adaptation. Writer/Director Clark Gregg takes a departure from the book in many ways but manages to keep enough of the original voice that the end result feels like a great success. According to the extra features, this direction was not only supported by the original author, but highly encouraged. I can't help but think that Palahniuk lucked out when the material fell into the hands of someone who was able to avoid the trappings of so many adaptations (changing the characters names, core relationships, etc).
Choke as a film is an example of a guy who obviously GOT the novel. He understood it. He took the time (years and years) to get the script right, and managed to put enough but not too much of his own voice in.
And it works.
It's beautiful, it's dark and dirty as hell, and the end reult is a fine little movie.
I know there are people who love this book and will be turned off by the fact that the film is not as deeply satirical and dark as the source, but there is a fine line between a too-faithful adaptation and a completely off the rails clusterfuck that Gregg is able to walk long enough to make a believer out of this jaded SOB (that is indeed me I am referring to).
The cast is phenomenal. Sam Rockwell once again demonstrates his superlative and subtle talents that convince me that no one else in this world could have been Victor Mancini. Anjelica Huston brings Victors mother to life in a way that to me felt so much more multi-dimensional than the character in the book (whom I despised, not that it matters). But the best part of this cast for me was Denny, played by Brad William Henke, a character who manages to serve as a moral compass in a film that seems to have no morals at all.
My favorite character by far though was Lord High Charlie, played by Gregg himself. Mostly because the name Lord High Charlie still cracks me up, but also because I think I work with the true life retail equivalent of this guy. Seriously.
After all this you wonder what the hell this movie is about? Well...
Victor (Rockwell) is a med school drop out and, colonial reenactor AND sex addict who scams unsuspecting diners in restaurants in order to pay the bills for his mothers care in a nuthouse. And from there, the story gets a little weird. It's irreverent, it's disturbing, but when the credits rolled the only thing I wanted to do was watch it again. So I did.
Choke gets a resounding Oh hells yes on the Mr. Blunderson scale.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
9 woes
By Mr. Blunderson
If you haven't seen 9, the brilliant 2005 short film by Shane Acker, then you should get to it before the full length theatrical version comes out. Why? Because the studio version is going to su-huck. Of course, here I am bitching about a movie I haven't even seen yet, but judging from the trailers and clips it looks like the typical soulless CGI that we have all come to expect from most non Pixar (and sometimes Dreamworks) animated films.. The textures are too crisp and the surfaces too smooth... but that's not the real problem for me.
What makes the original short so amazing is that 9 is a testament to the power of story telling in a medium with images and limited sound. The short features absolutely no dialogue and doesn't need it.
Of course the studio version features an all-star cast. It appears to be yet another instance of Hollywood understanding that they have acquired an amazing property but not actually understanding what made it that way. Or perhaps they are simply not trusting an audience to get it. Either way it's bad for us, because the result is a crappy movie.
Studio films like this are not a victimless crime. They destroy the vision and voice of creativity, originality, and contribute to the dumbing down of the film audiences. Why are words like "intelligent" "different" and "coherent plot" a bad thing? How did we get to this point?
Of course I could be wrong. 9 might end up being the best film ever made. The good news there is that even if that is the case, it won't make me look like a bigger jackass. Only because at this point it may not be possible.
If you haven't seen 9, the brilliant 2005 short film by Shane Acker, then you should get to it before the full length theatrical version comes out. Why? Because the studio version is going to su-huck. Of course, here I am bitching about a movie I haven't even seen yet, but judging from the trailers and clips it looks like the typical soulless CGI that we have all come to expect from most non Pixar (and sometimes Dreamworks) animated films.. The textures are too crisp and the surfaces too smooth... but that's not the real problem for me.
What makes the original short so amazing is that 9 is a testament to the power of story telling in a medium with images and limited sound. The short features absolutely no dialogue and doesn't need it.
Of course the studio version features an all-star cast. It appears to be yet another instance of Hollywood understanding that they have acquired an amazing property but not actually understanding what made it that way. Or perhaps they are simply not trusting an audience to get it. Either way it's bad for us, because the result is a crappy movie.
Studio films like this are not a victimless crime. They destroy the vision and voice of creativity, originality, and contribute to the dumbing down of the film audiences. Why are words like "intelligent" "different" and "coherent plot" a bad thing? How did we get to this point?
Of course I could be wrong. 9 might end up being the best film ever made. The good news there is that even if that is the case, it won't make me look like a bigger jackass. Only because at this point it may not be possible.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Word From Big C Vol. 34
Bolt
I watched this movie on a whim and to tell the truth, the fact that Miley Cyrus is in this movie (and for those who don't know me I hate her with a passion) didn't make me hate it, but then again I am a big fan of John Travolta and have not seen anything with him that I did not like. Also Mark Walton as the AWESOME Rhino stole the show. Great family picture.
I watched this movie on a whim and to tell the truth, the fact that Miley Cyrus is in this movie (and for those who don't know me I hate her with a passion) didn't make me hate it, but then again I am a big fan of John Travolta and have not seen anything with him that I did not like. Also Mark Walton as the AWESOME Rhino stole the show. Great family picture.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Mr. Blunderson's DVD pick of the week
This was one of those weeks I needed a lift from my DVD collection. Between a bad back, mild depression, and getting blasted out of my car because when I started it I forgot the last time I was driving I was listening to "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" and had left the volume turned up to 11... luckily, my little black tower of magic discs had just the answer: Balls of Fury.
Dan Folger is hilarious, and screw you if you don't think so. After watching this movie for the first time since I reviewed it I am convinced that Mr. Fogler makes the BEST "I've just been hit/kicked/other in the balls" faces. Not only are they hysterical they are brutally convinving.
The Good - Besides Fogler? Christopher Walken as the villain. Cameos from Patton Oswalt, david Koechner, Diedrich Dader, not to mention Robert Patrick reprising his degenerate gambler schtick from the Sopranos. Maggie Q, James Hong, and George Lopez give solid supporting efforts. And lets not forget all those Kung Fu in jokes.
The Bad - In a time where the R-rated comedy has been given a second chance at life one has to wonder how this film would have fared if they'd gone balls to the wall... so to speak. Not that this film isn't plenty crude. It' just makes me wonder what could have been.
The Last Word - I've almost watched this movie about a hundred times since it arrived in my collection. Now that I finally got waround to it, I'm sorry I waited this long to watch it again.
Dan Folger is hilarious, and screw you if you don't think so. After watching this movie for the first time since I reviewed it I am convinced that Mr. Fogler makes the BEST "I've just been hit/kicked/other in the balls" faces. Not only are they hysterical they are brutally convinving.
The Good - Besides Fogler? Christopher Walken as the villain. Cameos from Patton Oswalt, david Koechner, Diedrich Dader, not to mention Robert Patrick reprising his degenerate gambler schtick from the Sopranos. Maggie Q, James Hong, and George Lopez give solid supporting efforts. And lets not forget all those Kung Fu in jokes.
The Bad - In a time where the R-rated comedy has been given a second chance at life one has to wonder how this film would have fared if they'd gone balls to the wall... so to speak. Not that this film isn't plenty crude. It' just makes me wonder what could have been.
The Last Word - I've almost watched this movie about a hundred times since it arrived in my collection. Now that I finally got waround to it, I'm sorry I waited this long to watch it again.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Public Service Announcement
from Mr Blunderson (the agoraphobic film guy)
Remember boys and girls, Watchmen sucks. Any money you might spend on this film use to buy a shit-load of candy. You can brush your teeth but you can't do anything to keep this piece of trash from rotting your brain once you've seen it.
Remember boys and girls, Watchmen sucks. Any money you might spend on this film use to buy a shit-load of candy. You can brush your teeth but you can't do anything to keep this piece of trash from rotting your brain once you've seen it.
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