Review - ANGST

by Mr. Blunderson

Editors Note - There are nearly 8,000 movies titled Angst so to clear up any confusion, this is the film from 2003 that was originally titled Penetration Angst.

First of all, I can only imagine my thoughts as an actress auditioning for the lead in a movie written by a German produced in the UK called Penetration Angst. At what juncture exactly does my brain click with the thought screaming "I must have this part!"

I first saw the box for this DVD over a year ago at my local movie dealer. My wife and I both laughed hysterically at the blurb on the back. Now, I can honestly say "what the hell was I thinking?!" When you read a box cover that shamelessly announces that the female protagonist "... finds herself having intimacy problems with men. Her private parts are devouring all lovers and leaving her with an insatiable thirst for blood, In order to satisfy her cravings, she Becomes a prostitue which leads to a death filled take of murder, madness, and sex." one is left to wonder why it is you don't already own eight or nine copies of this movie already. Now that I have actually seen it I can only tell you that it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

But I did think it would be really bad.

As I watch the credits roll on this bad boy I can't believe this isn't the worst movie movie I've ever seen. Clearly this is not American cinema (thank god!) and if you watched the first five minutes and then were told the circumstances of the conclusion you would not think it even possible to have gotten from point a to point B but believe it or not it actually almost makes it there in one coherent piece. Sure the script is weak and the boobies are plentiful (as long as you enjoy the tatas of Fiona Horsey) but it could have been so much worse.

My only gripes are that this film was shot with a digital camera and not on actual film. The plot has a severe identity crisis but 'm not sure that's a bad thing. Is it horror? Is it a twisted black comedy? Is it just plain odd? And if it is a horror film, it goes really light on the sauce. The male lead (if you can call him that) is a little disturbing, and his journey reaches the destination of absolute absurdity, but I will concede that is supposed to be part of the fun. Finally, like all movies of this ilk it is breast heavy in the first two acts, followed by none in the final third. But in defense of Angst, it does feature some of the funniest third act male frontal nudity that I've ever seen so it almost makes up for all the shortcomings...

The plot you ask? A young woman named Helen, recovering from a troubling childhood trauma, finds herself with a vagina that devours men whole. I know the blurb calls them "lovers" but in reality none of them were really in that category. Most are degenerates and rapists. The only guy Helen really loves she avoids actually "loving." Of course, that guy's character ends up being quite questionable. But hey, this is German boobie-horror so what the hell am I complaining about?

To tell you any more would ruin the plot more than I already have. Needles to say, this is now my favorite movie that features a talking vagina. As for it's place on the Mr. Blunderson scale, lets give this a "better than it deserves to be" and leave it at that.

Word from Big C vol. 24

editors note - For this edition of Word from Big C we get a monster update. 7 movies reviewed as only Big C can. Enjoy, and hold on to your butts.

Babylon A.D.

I liked this movie and if you believe my fellow Jerk-er then that's your call (but you'll regret it). First off Mr. Vin Diesel was great as the bounty hunter Toorop ya that's right they wrote the accent into his name fantastic. Also Mélanie Thierry is a good fit as the innocent Aurora and Michelle Yeoh was fantastic as Sister Rebeka. Good story, good action, sweet cheese from the get-go. Herostew can go have intercourse with himself.

Burn After Reading

Ok at first I actually told Senor Herostew "Is this movie genius or just fucked up?" Looking back this one is fucking genius and makes you think "what would I do in that situation?" Brad Pitt and George Clooney were fan-freaking-tastic in this movie. See this one on the big screen

Chaos

Jason Statham, Wesley Snipes how can you go wrong? I'll tell you how you can go wrong, you cast the aforementioned Statham and Snipes and then don't have a fight scene between the two of them. The plot of this one is a detective and his partner are part of a hostage situation on a bridge that goes wrong and one gets the proverbial axe and is kicked off the force and the other is just suspended and while on his suspension Statham is brought back to active duty at the request of bank heist leader Snipes. If this has not turned you away yet Statham is stuck with a babysitter played by Ryan Phillippe and the story is then told over the next 40 or 50 minutes which is far to long. Don't spend your hard earned cash on this please

Equilibrium

All I have to say is Noodles is right.

National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets

The first is the better of the two if only because the villain is actually a villain in the first one.

Pistol Whipped

This is Squinty Sagal at his suavest, ass-kicking top and I believe his pudgiest. Very good Sagal movie. Give it a look-see

Kill Zone

I was turned on to this one by Herostew, it is of oriental cinema descent and is good stuff but it is also so very jacked up. Must see it.

Babylon AD And Burn After Reading

Here are my thoughts on two movies I saw with the Big C. We both had different views on each and I often concede to agree to disagree. Except in instances where I am so right.

Babylon AD:
Our opinion on this ass wipe of a movie differ so greatly, that while at each stop light drivers in cars next to us looked on as we yelled our opinions at each other. No joke.

Now let me be honest. We snuck into this movie after seeing Burn After Reading. I found that free was still too high a price to pay. I like bad movies. I like movies that are exceptional as well. But Babylon AD is just pure suck on a galactic level.

It starts off with a Vin Diesel monologue followed by tough guy walking to rap music. Everything I would expect from a Diesel movie. I was prepared for some cheese. Deli cheese mind you. Not imitation cheese food slices. My main problem with this movie is that the few action scenes present were total crap thanks to excessive shaky camera syndrome. Made worse by quick edits.

When I heard Michelle Yeoh was in this movie, I expected some awesome Kung Fu action, since she is a martial arts master. BONK! Wrong! She was completely wasted and this film was completely beneath her. Virtually NO martial arts action. When there was, it was edited and ruined by the en vogue shaky camera crap.

The Story was weak and even Big C, who said he loved it, made comments about the stupidity before us. Particularly when one character says, 'we were like a family.'

I wouldn't even say this would make a good straight to DVD movie. It doesn't embrace its camp and by not doing so, just plain sucks.

Burn After Reading:
When this ended Big C turned and said, 'I am not sure if that was genius or just jacked up'. This was his first Coen brother's movie and he wasn't prepared for a NON Hollywood ending. As I bashed Babylon AD, to slam me Big C said Burn After Reading sucked. But I would bet money, that of the two, Burn After Reading was the one he thought about most.

Burn After Reading offered distinct interesting characters that were tightly developed. No quiet pauses of reflection. But just enough dialogue to flesh them out and make them engaging.

Other than the message of Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Burn After Reading doesn't try to change the world. Even though I found it to be packed with allegory. It tells a twisted slice of life story with great dialogue with in a time frame that keeps it from being pretentious.

I am not sure if there is anything award winning in Burn After Reading, but it is a movie I will own and watch again.