Post Apocalyptic films

So here I sit listening to Led Zeppelin 3's Immigrant Song. Thinking. What will this weeks topic be? Listening to the raw strum of Page's guitar and Plant's squeal I begin to think of twisted metal and octane. Vinyl clothing and studded wrist bands. Then track 3 Celebration Day comes on. Now I am dancing in front of my computer. Doing my best Joe Cocker spastic dance and rocking my air guitar like no Guitar Hero could. My wife and son look on with disgust and bewilderment. What the HELL are we looking at, they wonder. Track 4 Since I've Been Loving You kicks on and now I appear to be reenacting a moment in a great jazz/blues movie. My face grimacing. Eyes closed. Shaking my head looking down to the floor. Hands on my chest. I am either feeling the blues, or someone farted. Page begins to work the fret board as I bite my bottom lip. Oh yes. This is a moment of cool the Earth has rarely seen.

What will this weeks topic be?

Raw
Twisted Metal
Octane
Vinyl Clothing
Studded Wrist Bands
Spastic
What The Hell Are We Looking at?
Someone Farted

.....then it hits me. This weeks topic will encompass all of the above!

POST APOCALYPTIC MOVIES!

What the heck is that, you might ask. Or may not. I will explain anyway. But track 6 Gallow's Poll has come on and I need to ROCK!!!

Track 7 Tangerine. Track 8 That's The Way. I am now chill. If music could grow chest hair, Led Zeppelin 3, as with Post Apocalyptic films, would have created a glorious forest mane on my pecs at this time. Post Apocalyptic films are the modern MAN films Westerns once were. However, as with the Western, the genre MAY have runs its course. To enjoy a good Post Apocalyptic flick, you need to suspend all reasoning, and just enjoy the explosions. Now I am not talking about artsy fartsy movies. I am talking about a world in which Snake Plissken and Mad Max are Kings.

Like a good rock album, there is a method to the madness of this film genre. As in the rock album, the ones of the 70's and 80's not the 90's or present, there are hard songs that only deal with self indulgence and man's primal instincts. As in the PA movie, the Mad Max films in particular, when car chases and explosions begin for no reason other than to jar the senses.

Then there is the love ballad. A song that has no business being on a rock album, but in the case of film, there has to be a female presence to follow the rules of film in general. Enter the hot chick. She is attracted to our grizzled hero who wants nothing to do with her. And she loves him because of it. The man she cannot have. She cannot tame.

In the PA film, the female lead serves three purposes. First and foremost is eye candy and to fulfill the fantasy of the predominantly male audience. Barely clothed. Hot. Submissive. And hopefully a little broken. The ability to talk is optional, as in the case of Nova in the ORIGINAL Planet Of The Apes. The perfect woman.

Second. The PA girl has to eventually win the heart of the PA man. Either after a completely misplaced and inappropriate love seen. Or through pure sexual tension, often shared by the male audience.

Third. Sometimes, the only way to get a guy who doesn't give a damn to fight the bad guy, is to take his woman. And sometimes, the hot chick may get to throw a punch or two. However, the quality of your PA film is often gauged by whether or not the female lead gets to shoot a machine gun. This is the echelon of the genre. Hell hath no fury, than the woman wielding an AK-47!

If your are starting to get the impression this is a sexist and completely misogynist genre, your right. If the movie is any good anyway. The moment a love song with lyrics is played during a love scene. It looses it's Post Apocalyptic street cred' and comes dangerously close to being a Chick Flick. Unless it's a Ted Nugent song.

Like a good classic rock band, the PA movie has its players. The successful lead singer must have a charisma that pulls the audience in. The male lead of PA film must do the same. A lead guitarist adds to the lead singer's vocal and in some ways makes him cooler while demonstrating a coolness all his own. The supporting lead of a PA film has to be cool and in some ways a little cooler. If he is cooler and shows respect, maybe even some fear of the male lead, he validates the male leads position as the alpha male. The bassist, the quite guitarist who creates the subtle bass line that glues the song together while the lead vocalist and guitarist do their thing. In the PA flick this is often a wizard type or someone with little background, but wisdom, and often a subtle wit. As with the bassist that glues the song together, so must the second supporting cast member guide the audience and heroes through the journey. He can be represented as a cabby or even an arms dealer who knows all the crooks in town. Lastly there is the drummer. The brute force of the band. In the PA adventure this is the BIG guy. The one that fights the mutants as you make your escape. Or holds the trap door as you run through.

Yes it all fits a certain formula. But like Hollywood is the Big Mac. A good PA movie is that burger from the Ma' and Pop burger restaurant around the corner. The one with the huge fries and the shake impossible to drink through a straw. Both burgers. But different enough to make them two different types of food all together.

If you decide to seek out a PA flick, but are not sure how to make the choice, I will give you a few tips and then share my personal favorites of the genre. If you are shopping in a DVD store, you will need to seek out the Action DVDs section. Or maybe even the Science Fiction section. A good PA has NO BUSINESS in Drama, and if it's in the Thriller section that might imply a twist and thinking.Yuck! A PA film that makes you think is like a Subway Sandwich Artist trying to convince you of the joys and freedom of selling Amway. Ugh!

Look for titles that include words like Mad, Invaders, Barbarians,Warriors, or some date in the future. You know your in for a real treat when the DVD front cover features poster art from the theatrical release. A painted poster with hyper exaggerated interpretations of the cast. Look closely. Are there scantly clad woman? Is the hero dead center holding a machine gun or mace? Is his shirt torn from kicking so much butt? Are there completely impractical vehicles anywhere on the poster?

Which brings us to my next tip in seeking out a good PA movie. Sometimes the film's star goes on to bigger and better things. So instead of showing the original poster art on the front, they may decide to show a pic of the now famous actor. So you will have to look at the back cover. Sometimes the backs will show two or three pictures from the movie. Look for things like Mohawks. Studded wrist bands. Or the quintessential armor of the future. Football shoulder pads painted black.

If you find any of these elements, your enjoyment is almost assured. If you find ALL of these elements, DO NOT give it another thought. You have just mined celluloid gold and need to rush to the register. Race home. Throw money at your wife, so she will leave. Accuse the children of a crime they didn't commit, so you can send them to their room. Heat up a Hot Pocket and pour the Dr. Pepper! Let the Church Of Macho BEGIN!

of course all the above ONLY applies to PA movies produced in the 80's. Modern PA movies will punch you in the face with brain bleeding techno music and be riddled with tribal tattoos and black leather. A hero with hair gel does not a good PA movie make. The 80's movies were unique in that we DID believe Russia was going to launch Nuclear Bombs any day. And Moammar Kadafi was the middle eastern Anti Christ Nostradamus spoke of. We believed the world of Mad Max and Snake Plissken was at our door steps. I prayed for talking apes who would cage me, feed me, bathe me, and force me to mate with the Nova's of the world. Instead I am just a slave to retail with no scantly clad cave girls in sight. Except on Role Play Night with my wife.

The other problem with the modern PA movies is that they are saturated with CGI. Like a modern rock album with a wall of noise that sounds like a misfiring Volkswagen Beetle. You can't hear the sounds of human fingers looking for the next chord progression. Or feel the raw power of a song like Led Zeppelin's Black Dog. There is no texture in a film shot digitally, with special effects created on a laptop. A good PA movie is set in junk yards, city ruins, or sometimes just in the desert. You can almost feel the heat and the dust hitting your face. The limitations of a film stock PA film plays to its advantage. A PA film should NEVER have polish. I welcome stop motion monsters, practical effects, and foam latex mutants. A PA film should feature a collection of Found Art pieces and not a collection of pixels.

So what are my picks for Post Apocalyptic fun?

2019 After The Fall Of New York
The New Barbarians
1990 Bronx Warriors
Escape From New York
Mad Max Beyond Thunder Dome
Stryker
Atlantis Interceptors
All ORIGINAL Planet Of The Apes Movies

...just to name a few.

Unfortunately, most of these films are in public domain. So the available prints are often horrible. But with a little searching online, you can often find a limited wide screen release. Or someone who has transferred a VHS or Laser disc copy directly to DVD. Italy and Australia produced many many PA films in the 80's and these epics were later released on foreign PAL version VHS tapes. It's not hard to find collectors online, and even on eBay, who have transferred these to DVD. I recommend these transfers since they are often done by fans of the genre who have love for these lost treasures. Where as Dollar Bin Walmart DVDs are often authored by people who couldn't give a crap. Remember, digitally remastered is OFTEN code for transferred from VHS to DVD.

Part of the fun of finding an obscure Post Apocalyptic film is that its a movie you can adopt as all your own. One you won't see played over and over again on TBS. You can lift your head in pride as you watch Hollywood rip off these gems and the knowledge that you are in the know. You can turn to the guy sitting next to you in the theater and exclaim, they totally got that from (insert title here).